Cranky Large Medium retires

It hasn't been a full year, yet (missed it by three days!), but the medium is no longer bringing the message. The stony path leading up to the retreat has, somehow, collapsed, with no way for the curious to climb up there.

If your birthday was one of the last few of this month, the medium shouted down, "Sorry pal! Yer S.O.L.!"

The management of this blog apologizes for any inconvenience as a result of this rockfall, and wishes you all happy birthdays for many years to come.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 27 September

Go away.

Why won't you leave? What is it about me that beguiles you, so that you seem incapable of turning away and heading downhill, even after I make express request that you do? Come on, now, go on. What are you waiting for, your mother's dinner call? Oh, I see, you want a reading before you go. Hmmmph. Is that all I'm good for, to you? What a relief! This means that you'll be going away as soon as I give you your reading, doesn't it? Spiff-a-rooney! Here you are:

You are easily annoyed and annoying, especially by petty things. If you could learn how to be a little cheerful, at least you won't be annoyed. You could even be kind and sympathetic. Not that anybody will really care, except you and whoever lives under the same roof with you (your parents, for example. You really should consider moving out of Momma's basement).

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, look on the bright side: even if you're annoyed and petty, you're still capable of feeling and being petty. That puts you ahead of these people, all of who, on this date in history, ceased to annoy or be annoyed, ever after: Emperor Go-Nara, Maximilian I, Braxton Bragg, Sylvia Pankhurst, Jimmy Doolittle, Étienne Bézout, Bernard Courtois, Auguste Michel-Lévy, S. R. Ranganathan, William of Wykeham, Pope Urban VII, Saint Vincent de Paul, Pope Innocent XII, Karl Christian Friedrich Krause, Walter Benjamin, Aimee Semple McPherson, Edgar Degas, Kenji Nagai, Engelbert Humperdinck, Cliff Burton, Mahendra Kapoor, Robert Montgomery, Lloyd Nolan, Donald O'Connor, Clara Bow, Dame Gracie Fields, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Doak Walker, William Edward Boeing, Oona O'Neill,

and Jimmy McCulloch.

Don't call my name in the air, just make your way home on the stone path.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 26 September

Go away.

What? Are you still here? Is finding the exit gate too challenging for you? Let me point you in the right direction. Yonder lies the way. Why aren't you walking toward it? Go on, put that little foot forward, then the other one, then... hmmmph. Just what is this problem you have? Oh, but you came here for something. Pardon my rolling eyes. This thing you want of me, it wouldn't happen to be a reading, would it? If I give you one, will you go away immediately afterward? O, joy, o rapture! Here you are:

You really ought to take your nose out of your books sometimes. Although being well-read is not necessarily a bad thing, there is a life outside the library, in which you might exercise your ambition, a little energy, some positive direction in your life. You are too stubborn. Expectations of you are generally low; most people know you will do much for love, but you won't do that.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But what do I care? You'll be sticking your nose back into your books again, soon, so you won't be my problem any more. Meanwhile, look on the bright side of things -- at least you can go home to your reading. That puts you in a better place than these people, all of whom, on this date, were added to the book of doomsday: Taichang Emperor, Wakisaka Yasuharu, Daniel Boone, Antoine Parent, Jurij Vega, August Ferdinand Möbius, Hermann Grassmann, Hans Cloos, Lavoslav Ružička, Manne Siegbahn, Juan de Torquemada, George Santayana, John Byron, Lafcadio Hearn, Hugh Lofting, William Billings, Béla Bartók, Billy Vaughn, Betty Carter, Baden Powell, Robert Palmer, Charles Correll, Arthur Hunnicutt, Hugh Franklin, Richard Mulligan, Paul Newman, Anna Magnani, Ellen Roosevelt, Ralph Earnhardt, Levi Strauss, Herbert Tichy,

and Bessie Smith.

Go to St. Louis, you can win him back. Or not. Just go.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 25 September

Go away.

Why are you still here? Do you not understand the concept of "exit"? Are you really that thick? Or is it just that you are cruel and insensitive, wanting to torment a pitiable hermit who only seeks solitude? Oh, you aren't deliberately heartless, after all. You only came here because you heard I could give you something rare and exceptional. Well, you're not going to get one of my smiles. Not by just standing there, anyway. I reckon the only way you're going to get a smile out of me is by shoving off -- and with our back to me, you're not likely to see it, are you? Not my smile you're looking for? Well, then, what? Oh, pardon my "well, duh" moment. You came to a medium, didn't you? You want a reading, don't you? Sigh. If I give you one, will you make me smile? Swell. Here you are:

You, like a certain medium, are sincere, frank and outspoken, and often perverse. You're pliable, too. Bend, then, to my will. When it comes to your immediate environs, though, you are rigid and fussy, wanting to surround yourself with art and spotlessly kept rooms. You are likely to fall in love at first sight, with a vacuum cleaner. Don't get attached.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But that doesn't matter, in the long run. Eventually you will be gone, and at least one of us will be smiling. If you play your cards right, if you think things through, you might guarantee both of smiles, especially if you put a positive slant to this mountaintop retreat. After all, you were able to come ask me for this favor, which puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, ceased all but ectoplasmic wanderings: Harald III, Morikuni, Emperor Go-Yozei, Hugo Lafayette Black, Nicu Ceauşescu, Johann Heinrich Lambert, Nikolay Nikolayevich Semyonov, Franco Modigliani, Saint Fermin, Pope Clement VII, Lancelot Andrewes, Johannes Secundus, William Bradford, Ring Lardner, Erich Maria Remarque, Marion Zimmer Bradley, George Plimpton, M. Scott Peck, John M. Ford, Johann Strauss the Elder, Frank Fay, Walter Pidgeon, Emlyn Williams, Don Adams (sorry about that, Chief!), Mary Astor, Miller Huggins, George Archer, John Bradstreet, Oliver Loving, Hans Eppinger, John B. Watson, Emily Post, Hans F. K. Günther, Billy Carter, Klaus Barbie, Edward Said, Jeff Cooper,

and John Bonham.

Moby on your way, now.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 24 September

Go away.

What are you still doing, here? Why aren't you gone, after my clear command that you go? Is your hearing gone? Need I shout? Very well, then, GO AWAY! Oh, it's not your hearing, you say. Well, then, it's simply bad manners, isn't it? So, now that I've shown you the error of your ways, you'll be going, no? No? No. You want something from me, and you won't go without it. Oh, sure. As if I had anything much to spare. Have you seen my accommodations? Cave... blanket... not even a pair of shoes. What can you possibly take from me, other than my dignity? Ah. You "only" want a reading. As if that were some simple operation, no real effort on my part... well, anyway. Let's not go there. If I give you this reading, will you then leave? Do you hear that? It's a sigh of relief. Let me get you on the road. Here you are:

You have an abundance of natural ability, and could accomplish much, if you could only make up your mind. You are impulsive, and your powers of careful reason are such that you would be better off depending upon your intuition, such as that is. You are a social butterfly... you know -- a lightweight who needs constant attention. Go find a keg party, somewhere, so you can replenish your cache of brilliant analyses.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, hey, that unhappiness won't last long, with your powers of concentration. You can look on the bright side of things, after all. You are better off than these people, who, on this date in history, gave the afterlife their full attention: Pippin the Short, Emperor Reigen, Paracelsus, Johann Matthias Hase, Niels Ryberg Finsen, Lev Schnirelmann, Hans Geiger, Bruno Pontecorvo, Pope Liberius, Pope Innocent II, Vincenzo da Filicaja, Theodore S. Geisel, Manuel Mendes, Patrick Gilmore, Ian Stuart Donaldson (no video link, for philosophical reasons), Peter Bellamy, Carl Laemmle, Warren William, Charles Reisner, Neil Hamilton, Patsy Kelly, Sarah Churchill, Mike Donlin, Mike Webster, Isabeau of Bavaria, Poliziano, Earle Cabell,

and Rosalie Allen.

Yodel along, now.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 23 September

Go away.

When will you go? Now is just a little too late for my preferences. But life is full of little disappointments, isn't it? Such as your appearance at my retreat. And, by the look on your face, my appearance to you. Well, then, let's just cut these disappointments to a minimum. You turn around and head back downhill, and we'll both be satisfied, no? No? Well, hang it all, what on earth is your problem, then? Oh, I see. You came for something, and you won't go without it. I hate to break it to you, but the mining rights for this pile of rocks is worthless. Not the rocks? Well, then, what do you want -- as if a medium couldn't glean immediately? You want a reading. And if you get one, you will go happily? Well, buckle on that grin, here you are:

You are not entirely an idiot -- you can quickly learn to copy the actions of others. Of course, you lack originality, but, in the case of someone like you, an original thought would be a very dangerous thing. At least, therefore, you are prudent and cautious. You enjoy being the center of attention, and, fortunately, you do not complain when you're not.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But then, what do we care? Happiness is relative. Besides, in a few minutes, you'll be on your way down the path, and that puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, found the ends of all their paths: Azai Hisamasa, John Rogers, James Van Fleet, Herman Boerhaave, Jean Chacornac, Urbain Le Verrier, James W. Alexander, Pope Linus, Robert de Sablé, John Jewel, Richard Adolf Zsigmondy, Francesco Forgione, Snorri Sturluson, Robert Dodsley, Prosper Mérimée, Wilkie Collins, Pablo Neruda, Robert Bloch, Fujiko F. Fujio, Vincenzo Bellini, Billy Gilbert, Cliff Arquette, Chief Dan George, Bob Fosse, Mary Frann, Sam Barry, Lyman Bostock, Jerry Barber, Aurelio Rodríguez, John Ainsworth Horrocks, José Gervasio Artigas, William Marsh Rice, Sigmund Freud, Salvo D'Acquisto,

Etta Baker

and Ronnie Dawson.

Pack that action and take it on the road.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 22 September

Go away.

Why haven't you gone? Why won't you leave? Did you not understand my PLAIN ENGLISH request? I'll try it in Latin: I! Go on, now, leave. And yet you stay. Why is that? Oh, but of course, you want something from me. And, knowing I am but a poor medium, you must know there is little here to take from me. Ah, yes, you want a reading. If I give this to you, you will turn tail and exit? Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. What a wonderful thought. Let me get this travel party started. Here you are:

You are a dreamer, have a vivid imagination, make elaborate plans, which you never carry out. You need to work on learning to focus, concentrate, persevere, and even, someday, plan ahead. Your affections are easily gained, you are gentle and attractive, very popular -- you are a Labrador Retriever. Either that or you're a plush bath mat. Whatever.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, if you're a Labrador Retriever, you will be happy, in short order. After all, your attention span is limited -- oh, look, a squirrel! Not going for it? Well, then, think fondly of the fact that you're able to ignore the fluffy-tailed object of chase, in favor of the notion that these people have all had their bones buried somewhere, on this date in history: Nathan Hale, Shaka, Solomon L. Spink, Kaarlo Juho Ståhlberg, Toyoda Soemu, Vincenzo Viviani, John Bartram, Frederick Soddy, Dogen, Selim I, Guru Nanak Dev, Johannes Agricola, John Biddle, Pope Clement XIV, Ouyang Xiu, Georg Philipp Harsdorffer, Jan de Hartog, Alessandro Allori, Ludmilla Chiriaeff, Harry Warren, Isaac Stern, Dan Rowan, George C. Scott, Gordon Jump, Edward Albert, Marcel Marceau, Marion Davies, Dorothy Lamour, Aurelio López, Rodney Anoa'i (Yokozuna), Francisco Vasquez de Coronado, Martha Corey,

and Irving Berlin.

Now go away, so I can go back to sleep -- er, ahm, meditate.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 21 September

Go away.

Why are you still here, now? Didn't I just tell you to go? This is not a request. I did not invite you to my mountaintop, I do not wish for you to be here, I do not give you polite requests. Shirley you can find your way to the exit path. Do I throw another Barb at you? Why are you still here? I see. You are adamant, Eve. You want me to be Sharon my gifts with you. If I give you a reading, will you Wanda off? Oh, Joy! Here you are:

You never call "quits", never admit defeat, which works when you're at work or in battle, but is stupid in conversations, especially considering your level of ability at debate. You are far-sighted, but your ophthalmologist can correct that. Resources at your fingertips, you have intellectual and executive ability (if only you were willing to apply them!).

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Now, don't you go calling me names because of what I told you. Look on the bright side, instead. At least you are still able to respond to abuse. That puts you at distinct advantage over these people, all of whom, on this dated in history, became permanently unresponsive to all stimuli: Aëtius, Edward II, George Read, Hin-mah-too-yah-lat-kekt aka Chief Joseph, Haakon VII, Gerolamo Cardano, Jean-Baptiste Élie de Beaumont, Leon Charles Thevenin, Kokichi Mikimoto, Bernardo Houssay, Robert L. Forward, John Balguy, Arthur Schopenhauer, Virgil, Sir Walter Scott, Wilhelm Wattenbach, Jacqueline Susann, Gu Long, Walter Brennan, Olga Engl, Jennifer Holt, Alice Ghostley, Florence Griffith Joyner, Samuel Arnold,

and Jaco Pastorius.

I think by now you're well past teen town. It's probably time to move out of your mama's basement.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 20 September

Go away.

Go on, then, go on out of here. Scram. Get along, little dogie. Skedaddle. Scat. Scoot. Shoo. Why are you still here? Is there no sense of decency in you, that you would stay around to torture an old, tired medium? How cruel can you be? Apparently, very. So. How do I get rid of you? I give you a reading? That's it? Why didn't you jump in earlier with that answer, so I could be rid of you that much sooner? For crying out loud! Let's work on this, now. Here you are:

You are completely unique, thank goodness! You always do the unexpected, in an unusual manner. Your mother may have told you that it was cute when you were a tot, but the novelty of that conduct does wear thin over time. You like to hang around with the "cultured" set; I suggest you carry fungicide when you do. You like to be the center of attention, and can be led by the person who recognizes this trait in you, making you the easiest of marks.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Allow me to devote all my attention to you, to alleviate that pain. I can do just that, if you'll meet me in the tavern down at the base of the mountain. Or not. You can wait there, can't you? If you can't, at least I know you know you can leave on your own. That puts you one up on these people, all of whom, on this date in history, left this neighborhood on twelve legs and a hearse chassis: Wovoka, Fiorello La Guardia, Ludvík Svoboda, Nicolas Desmarest, Leopold Fitzinger, Paul Erdős, John Ballard, Jacob Grimm, Gilles Binchois, Lodovico Agostini, Claudio Saracini, Pablo de Sarasate, Steve Goodman, Jean Sibelius, Gordon Mitchell, Richie Ginther, Robert Emmet, Sir Thomas Hardy, Philander Chase, Annie Besant, William Buehler Seabrook, Eduard Wirths, Raisa Gorbachyova, Gherman Titov, Simon Wiesenthal,

and Jim Croce.

You don't tug on the medium's wrap. The world can't handle that.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 19 September

Go away.

Will you please go now? Why are you still here? Did I do something in a previous life to warrant this torture from you? Go on, then, leave. What are you waiting for? Oh, right, you didn't just wander up here by accident, you came here to get something from me. And that something would be? O, I am shocked. Pardon my gasp. You want a reading. If I give you one, do you promise to leave me alone again? Woo-hoo! Here you are:

Ambitious, restless, and yet a drudge at work, you would sacrifice your own health to provide for those you deem important. It's a good thing you're mostly on your own. You are uptight, narrow, and more fussy than Morris the Cat ever was. You like to think about art, music, literature, and a lot of talk, as though that makes you an intellectual.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But then, you don't have to look at that as though it were bad news. After all, you are still around today to talk like a pirate, if you so choose, me hearty. That puts you in a better position than these people, all of whom, on this date in history, walked the final plank: Go-Daigo, Hugh Kawharu, ... Ole Rømer, Gaspard-Gustave Coriolis, Konstantin Eduardovich Tsiolkovsky, Chester Carlson, Rhys Jones, Theodore of Tarsus, Condé Nast, Will Cuppy, Italo Calvino, Michael Peter Ancher, Eddie Adams, Martha Holmes, Hermes Pan, Gram Parsons, Rich Mullins, David Gordon Kirkpatrick aka Slim Dusty, Mary Frances Penick aka Skeeter Davis, Ellis Marsalis, Sr., Daniel Flores aka Chuck Rio, Pauline Frederick, Elizabeth Allen, Willie Steele, William Waller, Giles Corey, Mayer Amschel Rothschild, Guy Gibson, John D. Dingell, Sr., Orville Redenbacher,

and Clyde J. "Red" Foley.

Boogie out of here on that freight train, please.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 18 September

Go away.

Will you please leave? Why aren't you going, yet? What is it that keeps you standing there gaping like a drainpipe? Did you lose track of up and down? Did you forever forget how to walk away? Please, why won't you go? Oh, I see, you came here for something you think I can give you. Well, looking around the place, I'm thinking I have a little grass, a few rocks, and... no, you can't have the shirt off my back -- it's not a shirt, it's a blanket, and it covers more than my back. Trust me, you don't want that shown all over the place. Oh, I see, you don't want my blanket, you only want a reading. Only. Sheesh. As if those readings were a dime a dozen. Well, maybe a quarter a dozen, this week. Oh, heck, this one will be free, as long as you promise you'll be satisfied once you get it, and you'll just skedaddle on home. Groovy, you consent to my terms. Pardon my happy little jig. Here you are, now:

You can't decide whether to be diffident or tender, headstrong or understanding, or impetuous. You can be kind, though. What kind, I don't know. You are a good planner, and a better opportunist. You form friendships easily, but that doesn't mean you know how to keep them. You might fall in love at first sight. You might not, also. Either way, you'll probably not be satisfied with what you get in return.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. That would mean you've made up your mind about something. Well, when you finally come around to a decision about yourself, you might actually realize that you have it pretty good. After all, you can still waffle all you want about your feelings. That puts you far and away in a better position than these people, all of whom, on this date in history, assumed a permanent subterranean horizontal position: Domitian, Pietro I Candiano, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Dag Hammarskjöld, Leonhard Euler, William Ferrel, Hippolyte Fizeau, John Cockcroft, Paul Bernays, Melchior Klesl, St Joseph of Cupertino, Benjamin Kennicott, August Gottlieb Spangenberg, George MacDonald, Matthew Prior, Robert Pollok, William Hazlitt, Stanisław Ignacy Witkiewicz, Clive Bell, Sean O'Casey, Katherine Anne Porter, Norman Cantor, Jimmy Witherspoon, Frank Morgan, Charles de Tornaco, Vitas Gerulaitis, Bob Hayes, Patrick Cotter O'Brien, Joseph Locke, Robert G. Cole

and Jimi Hendrix.

'Scuze me while I kiss this guy.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 17 September

Go away.

Why won't you go? Did you forget how? The gate is right there. Go on, go. Scram. Beat it. Scoot. Begone. So why are you still here, now? Oh, right. You actually came here hoping to get something from me. Knowing full well that I am impoverished, that all I have is myself, my blanket and my personal charm, you still came to take something away from me. Well, I have to break it to you, you can't have my blanket. The world is not ready for me to gallivant about this place buck naked. I'm not for sale, either. And, let's face it, my charm is a little bit on the disused and neglected side, so... oh, I see, you want a reading. Well, that's different! And if I give you a reading, you will be leaving? Allow me to hasten this! Here you are:

You have to examine all sides of anything before you take action, allowing no room for intuition or plain raw talent. In other words, you're a stodgy plodder. Your bosses call you "reliable", and your colleagues call you a stiff. As long as you have other people to keep you moving, you will succeed in your endeavors. You like travel and reading -- mostly the latter because you can't quit planning long enough to go out the door to wherever you want to go.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, since you're always looking at all the angles, you should be able to recognize that you have it pretty good, regardless of what you just heard from me. After all, you're still gnawing at this bone, which proves you're able to do so. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, stopped gnawing and turned to bones: Pedro Menéndez de Avilés, Spiro Agnew, Hildegard von Bingen, Antoine Laurent de Jussieu, Heinrich Bullinger, Robert Bellarmine, Sabbatai Zevi, Karl Popper, Tobias Smollett, Bruno Jasieński, Eugène Viollet-le-Duc, Francesco Geminiani, Franz Xaver Süssmayr, Ignaz Brüll, Jimmy Yancey, Frankie Vaughan, Christian Nyby, Richard Basehart, Harry Locke, Red Skelton, Frank Burke, Glückel of Hameln, Alexander Berry, Charles Alfred Pillsbury, Thomas Selfridge, Ruth Benedict, Laura Ashley, Ted Binion,

and Fritz Wunderlich.

I can't say anything churlish after Freddie Wonderful sings. It just doesn't work.
Happy birthday.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 16 September

Go away.

Why won't you be gone? What keeps you here, when it is obvious you are not welcomed? Do you have no shame? How can you stand there, when every other person present begs you to leave? Well? Oh, I see. You want something, and you won't leave without it. You want something from a hermit who has nothing but solitude, so you take that. No? You came to me for...? A reading. Now, why would I give you one of those? Because once you get it, you will leave. I see. You have no idea how pleasant that idea is. Let me get you started, then. Here you are:

You are an elitist. You accept nothing but what you label as "excellent". This includes spouse and kids, as in, they must present a wholly pleasant and harmonious home in order to satisfy you. Good luck with that -- even the Osmonds have down days. Impulsive and jealous, you will be a difficult mate.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Do care? Of course not. But still, I will leave you with a positive thought, simply because I think it will make you go away that much faster. On the upside, you are capable still of coming to annoy a medium on the mountain. That puts you miles ahead of most people, especially these -- all of whom, on this date in history, moved to the Avenue of Souls: Domitian, Flavius Valerius Severus, James II of England and VII of Scotland, Louis XVIII of France, Ezekiel Hart, Gabriel Fahrenheit, Alexander Alexandrovich Friedman, Ronald Ross, Jean Piaget, Gordon Gould, Rob Levin, Pope Valentine, Pope Victor III, Avignon Pope Clement VII, Tomás de Torquemada, Michael Baius, Anne Bradstreet, Howard Moss, Robert Jordan, Qi Baishi, Farinelli, John McCormack, Maria Callas, Shelby F. "Sheb" Wooley, Samuel Z. Arkoff, Pedro de Cordoba, Gene Nelson, James Gregory, Irene Hayes, George Gore, Floyd Curry, Nicolas Baudin, John Hanning Speke, Edward Whymper, Millicent Fenwick,

and Marc Bolan.

Jeep on out of here, now.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 15 September

Go away.

What's keeping you? Why aren't you already hitting the road? Can't figure out the latch on the exit gate? It's pretty simple -- you just lift it, and it comes free. You know, like the pretty little butterfly that seems to be your conscious mind. So, now you can go. And still you stay. Why is that? Oh, right. You came here for something particular. Well, I'm pretty particular, but you can't have me. No, you don't want me? Whyever not? Did you deliberately come here to tease me? Ah. You deliberately came to ask me for a reading. And, you promise that, one I give you the reading, you will be happy and leave me alone again, no further insult to my elegant beauty and beguiling charms. Well, then, here you are:

You are excessively honest and frank; diplomacy and tact are by no means your strong point. Determined and energetic, you apply it consistently in the wrong direction. You are cheerfully oblivious, and can make light of any situation, especially if humor is inappropriate at the time.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But who cares? At least we're honest with each other. And, at this moment, you can even look at yourself and recognize that you're still holding off the effects of gravity. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, surrendered to the gravest of gravity, the gravity of the grave: Constans II, Robert the Strong, Abraham Clark, Roman Ungern von Sternberg, Sir Jeremy Moore, Leonhard Rauwolf, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Joseph Plateau, Ewostatewos, John Morton, Gian Francesco Albani, George Stepney, Robert Penn Warren, Oriana Fallaci, André Le Nôtre, Charles Theodore Pachelbel, Anton Webern, Bill Evans, Rafael Mendez, Charles M. "Cootie" Williams, John William Cummings aka Johnny Ramone, Sidney Luft, Milton Sills, Harold Bennett, John Hoyt, Brett Somers, Ethan Allen, William Huskisson, Sarah Knox Taylor, John Hanning Speke, Jumbo, Willy Messerschmitt,

and Richard W. "Rick" Wright.

In the scene, you should have been far away away away.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 14 September

Go away.

When will you be going? Why aren't you already gone? Do you have some sort of hatred for seekers of solitude, that you should stay? Why, why, why are you still here? You came here looking for something. I see. And I should care about this... why? Because only I can give this something to you. Meh. I'm unimpressed. What is it I'm supposed to have that nobody else gives you (besides a tongue-lashing for interrupting my peace)? Oh, of course, you want me to give you a reading. If I give you this, will you leave? O, happy day! Hot diggety doggity! Here you are:

You are a complete wuss. Learn to assert yourself, be more aggressive (just do it after you leave my mountain). You can be completely independent and self-reliant, ambitious, but your well-placed modesty has thus far prevented it. If you ever develop a backbone, you might achieve quite a bit. You may also have a hidden talent for music and literature. If so, the world will thank you to keep it hidden.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But what do I care? You won't make a fuss. You'll go when I tell you to do so, now, won't you? But, don't be downcast as you stumble back downhill. You can keep this positive thought with you as you go -- you're still able to stumble downhill. That makes you better, stronger, faster than these people, all of whom, on this date in history, fall only to dust: Bidatsu, Constantine V, Al-Hadi, Sutoku, Aaron Burr, Arthur Wellesley, William McKinley, Bachir Gemayel, Giovanni Domenico Cassini, Bernhard von Cotta, William Seward Burroughs, Cyprian, Pope Stephen V, Pope Adrian VI, Jan Tarnowski, John Harvard, Dante Alighieri, James Fenimore Cooper, John Gardner, Nicolas Lancret, Isadora Duncan, Christian Ferras, Dámaso Pérez Prado, Irving Thalberg, Charles Crichton, Robert Wise, Wayne Morris, Warren Hull, Gertrude Berg, Grace Kelly, Janet Gaynor, Juliet Prowse, Beah Richards, Huo Yuan Jia, Mickey Hargitay, E.S. Gosney, Yetunde Price,

and Walter E. "Furry" Lewis.

Lay your burden down... far yonder.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 13 September

Go away.

Why are you here? Don't you have anything better to do than to torment hermits by invading their privacy? Come on, now, go on. Skedaddle. What are you waiting for? You won't get an engraved invitation. In fact, I have nothing, here, so whatever it is you came for, you're likely to leave disappointed. Still, leave you shall. After what? After you get a reading, you promise to go away happily? I think I can wrap my head around that concept. Let me hasten your departure. Here you are:

You are strong like bull, but judicious application of soap and water may help that. You love outdoor sports -- a good thing, considering our noses. You apply your strength equally to both work and play. You are not entirely arrogant, and occasionally people enjoy your company. You should seize upon such a moment to marry young.

Are you happy now? Of course not. But what do I care? You promised you would go, and soon afterwards, my eyes will cease to burn. And you can find a positive in all this, too. After all, you have the ability to notice your own aroma. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date, were resigned to rank aromatic corruption: Titus Flavius Caesar Vespasianus Augustus, Philip II, Ambrose Burnside, Maresuke Nogi, Andrew L. Harris, George Wallace, Ann Richards, August Krogh, Luis E. Miramontes, Ketevan of Kakheti, Albert Tessier, Whakahuihui Vercoe, Michel de Montaigne, Benjamin Heath, Italo Svevo, Andrea Mantegna, Eugene Lanceray, Jean B. Fletcher, Tupac Shakur, Mervyn LeRoy, Joe Pasternak, Betty Field, Dorothy McGuire, Armand Mondou, Harry Lumley, Toni Fritsch, Elias Disney, Amon Göth, Benjamin Bloom,

and Leopold Stokowski.

Parting is such sweet... sweetness.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 12 September

Go away.

Why are you still around? Did you somehow get lost on your way out? Lose track of the downward path? Here's a hint -- it's not upward. Oh, it's not that you're lost, it's that you came here for something particular. Gosh, I, the famed medium of considerable mass, can not imagine what it is that you might want of me. After all, there is so little I can offer a stranger, other than my great words of wisdom. Ah, but it is my words you seek. How could I possibly have foreseen that request? Oh, my! Well, now I must ask, what would be my incentive for giving you my pearls? You will leave happily once I give you a reading. I believe that would be called a real bargain. Let me see what I can give you, then. Here you are:

You are what they refer to as "retentive", although there is a fundamental anatomical reference to accompany the word. You make a fine worker, so long as nobody calls upon you to think independently. You are generally quiet and reserved, with a sense of humor that certainly keeps you amused. You have a bit of a temper, as well, but its attention span, like yours when it comes to general reality, is short.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But do we care? Not really. After all, even with a short attention span, you have the ability to recognize you're ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, developed zero attention spans: Andronikos I Komnenos, George Reid, Hajime Sugiyama, Sarah Frances Whiting, Carl Hermann, Marcellinus of Carthage, Pope Innocent VI, Jean Bolland, Jacob Cats, Peter Mark Roget, Fitz Hugh Ludlow, Leonid Andreyev, Robert Lowell, Eugenio Montale, David Foster Wallace, Jan van der Heyden, Jean-Philippe Rameau, Stanley Turrentine, William Boyd, Anthony Perkins, Raymond Burr, Tom Ewell, Jeremy Brett, Victor Wong, Willie Mosconi, Blanche of Lancaster, Hugo Schmeisser, Steve Biko,

and Johnny Cash.

You go ahead and walk the line that leads downhill from here, now.
Happy birthday, anyway.