Cranky Large Medium reading, 8 March

Go away.

What keeps you here? Are you riveted to the earth by my unearthly loveliness? No, that can't be all. You must be after something. I can see it in your eyes. Aha! I knew it. Nobody comes here simply to be swayed by my charms. You're here for a reading. And if you get it, you'll be happy and go, right? Splendid! Here you are:

Your ties to art and music make you a critic... and, as everybody knows, critics are nothing more than failed, envious artists. Athough you are always unstintingly honest in your opinions (especially when they are negative), you still think you're entitled to the limelight, and so go out of your way to be the center of attention. You could develop lifelong friends, as long as they let you be center-stage.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But this doesn't mean you can stay around here until you become so. No, all you get is what you got. Of course, what you have, you will admit, is better than what these people have, since they all, on this date in history, took an earth bath: William III, Millard Fillmore, William Howard Taft, Edward Terry Sanford, James Buchanan Eads, John Ericsson, Ferdinand von Zeppelin, Johannes Diderik van der Waals, Werner Hartmann, Pope Celestine II, Saint John of God, Henry Ward Beecher, Thomas Blackwell, Sherwood Anderson, Ferdinand Brokoff, Louis August le Clerc, Hector Berlioz, Sir Thomas Beecham, Ron "Pigpen" McKernan, Billy Eckstine, George Stevens, Harold Lloyd, Edward Andrews, Edward Dean Winter, Robert Pastorelli, John Inman, Peggy Cass, Karen Morley, Howie Morenz, Ray Nitschke, Joe DiMaggio, Abu Abbas,

and Adam Faith.

Watch your step, all right.
Happy birthday, anyway.