Cranky Large Medium reading, 12 February

Go away.

Are you still here? What is wrong with you, that you can't take a none-too-subtle suggestion and pack your fanny on out of here? Oh, you came here for something, and you won't leave without it, is that right? Sigh. I have no money, no valuables, nothing you can carry out, so what is it you want? Oooohhhhh. The reading. You heard that I can tell your fortune, so you've come seeking yours. I'm shocked. And I'm eager to see you go, so here you are:

Although a fair (and not hairy) reasoner, you are, at a critical time, more than apt to be impractical. Speculation would be dangerous for you. When you get right down to it, pretty much anything would be dangerous for you. You are fond of art and music, and might once have developed a small talent for either, if you had simply learned to apply yourself. You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but seem to attract only the opposite of what you desire. Still, you could be really popular, if you weren't so picky.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Picky, picky, picky... If you just relaxed a little, you might also see that your life beats hands down the alternative. Just compare it to what these people have, after all of them, on this date in history, were picked off by the grim reaper: Lady Jane Grey, Ethan Allen, Christopher Clavius, Lazzaro Spallanzani, Richard Dedekind, Douglas Hartree, Immanuel Kant, Friedrich Schleiermacher, Eric Alfred Knudsen, Muriel Rukeyser, Albrecht Altdorfer, Auguste Escoffier, Charles Schulz, Agostino Steffani, Hans von Bülow, Ambroise Thomas, Émile Waldteufel, Henri Duparc, Ishman Bracey, James Hubert "Eubie" Blake, Philip Taylor Kramer, William Oliver Swofford, Jewel Fay "Sammi" Smith, Peggy Gilbert, Jean Renoir, Sal Mineo, Nicholas Colasanto, Lillie Langtry, Tom Landry, Lord Guilford Dudley, George Heriot, Hassan al Banna, James C. Penney,

and Jalacy "Screamin' Jay" Hawkins.

You can kill that spell with SpellCheck. Just don't count on it for the right choice of homonyms.
Happy birthday, anyway.