Thursday, January 10, 2013

To the primary resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Dear Resident,

May we begin by congratulating you on your recent renewal of contract for employment.  We understand you put in a mighty effort to convince your employers that you deserved to return, and we hope you will finally demonstrate similar enthusiasm for actually doing the job you were hired to do.

As adjunct to the work space for your continued employment, we continue to request that you use the  residence provided for you and your family, as it is conveniently on the premises of your work, and comes fully equipped with staff for your everyday needs, including personal security.  We fully understand that you may wish to make a few changes, again, making this living space more like a home, as you will likely be here for four more years, unless your circumstances change.

While we are comfortable with your family making requisite adjustments for their personal comfort within the living quarters, there are a few points which might require reiterating, for simple clarity.

Firstly, you do not own the house, neither do you own the offices and entertainment areas.  The larger rooms on the main floor, the banquet facilities, the front lawn are not to be used for practice on your golf putts, let alone drives.  Further, the furniture in the office you will be using is not your furniture. Like the Constitution of the United States, it belongs to ourselves and our posterity.  If you can't be bothered to remember what that word means while you work to dismantle so much of it, it means it is for the good of future generations. So, please, when you sit at the desk that all prior residents have used, be so kind as to help keep it in the same condition for the next forty-plus occupants, by keeping your filthy, scuffing shoes and your posterior off it. We apply the same request to all other furniture which was not originally designed to support a human's feet or backside. If it isn't a doormat or footstool or chair or a sofa or some other reasonable facsimile thereof, please don't use it as one.

Show a little respect for the building, its contents, its history, and its owners, whether you feel they deserve that respect or not. If you do that, you may find your next four years here a little less stressful,  you may require fewer vacations in distant locales, and have less likelihood that you will be, in four years, residing in a housing complex comparable to that for the man who tried to find your replacement for the last job you had.

Thank you.

Your Landlords and Employers, the People of the United States of America

No comments: