Cranky Large Medium reading, 13 July

Go away.

Why won't you get out? Is there some siren song calling you to this place, that you can't pull yourself away? Why aren't you leaving? Ah, you came for something particular, did you? And that something is... a reading, of course. And, if I give it to you, you will leave? Great! Great! Then here you are:

You make decisions quickly and act impulsively. You are energetic and aggressive ; your face is often stuck in a book and ambitious for people to perceive you as an intellectual -- too bad you can't seem to learn anything while in those books.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, hey, at least you can't complain about your reading -- it says you have a life, which surely beats what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all answered the call from beyond: Jianwen, Edward Braddock, Conrad Weiser, Tokugawa Ieshige, John C. Frémont, James Bradley, Friedrich August Kekulé von Stradonitz, Gabriel Lippmann, Pope John III, Pope Leo VII, Hubert Walter, Robert Hamerling, Peter Parler, Alfred Stieglitz, Frida Kahlo, Arnold Schoenberg, Pandro S. Berman, Willy Fritsch, Red Buttons, Tom Simpson, Davey Allison, Michael Reardon, Robert Shirley, Titus Oates, Jean-Paul Marat, Henry Benedict Stuart, Johnny Ringo,

and Compay Segundo.

I cultivate thistles and nettles.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 12 July

Go away.

Will you get out? How do I warrant this cruel treatment? What did I do to deserve you coming up my path and pestering me, interrupting my peaceful plans for self-immolation? Why, why, why do you interrupt my life in this way? Oh, of course, you came here for a reading. As if I couldn't see that one coming from a mile away. Well, if I give you this reading, you will leave, correct? Then, here you are:

You have unlimited ability. You would find success in anything you undertook if you applied all your efforts faithfully. Too bad you haven't bothered to download any applications. You are self-righteous, fussy, and seek, unsuccessfully, a harmonious life with pleasant surroundings.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you can say you still have unlimited ability. That beats what these people have, as all of them, on this date in history, could no longer even play dead: Ashikaga Yoshinori, Richard Cromwell, Alexander Hamilton, Dolley Madison, Jean (not Jean-Luc) Picard, Charles Stewart Rolls, Boris Galerkin, Erasmus, Nathan Söderblom, Ole Evinrude, Tony Snow, Johann Joachim Quantz, Jimmie Lunceford, Roger Wolfe Kahn, Chris Wood, Jonathan Melvoin, Jimmy Driftwood, Benny Carter, Lon Chaney, Jr., Bill Owen, Bobby Murcer, Gertrude Bell, Alfred Dreyfus, Theodore Roosevelt, Jr., Wolfram von Richthofen, Elsie de Wolfe, John Chancellor,

and Minnie Riperton.

No one else can make me feel colors? Hmmm.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 11 July

Go away.

When will you get out of here? Is already too soon for you? Yesterday, maybe? All right, then, lets try right now. And yet you do not go. I suppose this means I will have to bribe you with my voluptuous body in order to sway you to be on your way? No? So, what's wrong? You don't find me attractive, maybe? Oh, it's not me, it's you... boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd have... at least a nickel. So, what will it take to persuade you to leave? Ah, yes, the reading. And, if I give it to you, you will be happy and go, correct? Lovely. Allow me to pack your bag. Here you are:

Yours is a sunny and radiant disposition and your charming personality is truly annoying to most of us. You have immense self-control -- or is it just that you find it easy to distance yourself from everything important? You like pleasant surroundings and can make a cactus seem inviting. That's really irksome. Cut it out, right now, before somebody decides to pop you upside the head.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You're just bubble-headedly sunny. Happy would require connection to reality. Well, at least so long as you're as chirpy as this, you're miles ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, flew this mortal nest: Anthemius, Amalric I, James Smith, Simon Newcomb, Gary Kildall, Michael DeBakey, Robert Runcie, William Chamberlayne, Delmore Schwartz, John W. Campbell, Ross Macdonald, George Gershwin, James Murray, Laurence Olivier, Don Starr, Frances Langford, Shinya Hashimoto, Claudia "Lady Bird" Johnson,

and Helen Forrest.

In the still of the might, once again I send you away.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 10 July

Go away.

Will you get out of here? What is it that keeps you from up and leaving? Is there some arcane force binding you to the spot? Why are you here, anyway? Oh, naturally, you came here for something particular, and... allow me to use the simple powers of deduction, please. I have nothing of worth in my abode, and I am a medium. So, you must be here to ask me to your prom. No? Well, then, what do you want? Silly me, I should have known you wanted a reading. And, if I give you one, you'll just up and return whence you came? Wunnnerful, wunnerful, wunnerful. Here you are:

You are a regular mouse, and could use some serious lessons in self-confidence. You're really great at following orders, but have no courage in your own initiatives. Probably just as well, considering what a general bag of mush you are, emotionally.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, if you ever develop the nerve to think about it on your own, you may discover that your meek life is better than what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all stopped saying "no." They also stopped saying "yes", "maybe", or anything else, for that matter: Hadrian, Li Shimin, El Cid, William I of Orange, Louis-Jacques Daguerre, John Fell, Richard Peters, Gabriel Naudé, Louis Moréri, Doug Marlette, George Stubbs, Georg Hermann Nicolai, Joseph Krumgold, Sam Rolfe, Phoebe Knapp, Jelly Roll Morton, Lovie Austin, Arthur Fiedler, Justin Pierce, Freddy Soto, Paul Morphy, Joe Giard, Joe Davis, Calogero Vizzini, John D Rockefeller III, Hartley Shawcross, Hiroaki Aoki,

and Mel Blanc.

What's up, Doc?
Happy birthday, anyway.

They're reselling graves in Cook County, IL

Re: the press conference this afternoon regarding the Cook County cemetery at which 4 employees are accused of digging up graves, dumping the bodies, and reselling the plots to unsuspecting folks...

How do they know the employees had dug up & dumped the bodies? After all, they are in the Chicago area... the original occupants of those graves may very well have simply decided not to return to their resting places after having voted.

Where did that "x" come from?

For the past few months, I've been sitting in front of a television while working on the laptop computer (the virtues of trading my mother her position at the desktop, so she can use my scanner to back up all the old family photos on disk). My preferred channels have been news and really old movies (Gad! how I love "Philadelphia Story" and "Shane"!). Unfortunately, I've noticed a common problem among many of those pretty people at FOX News... Nobody has ever stumbled over a copy of the old NBC pronunciation guide and studied it.

For example, when using the word "contract", they haven't bothered to ascertain whether the application is as a noun or a verb. They simply give the first syllable the emphasis, regardless of its application. And the problem doesn't lie only with the FOX foxes... I've heard it at the other networks and they, too, mention "CON-tracting the influenza virus." Really? I ask aloud. How did the virus sign said agreement? Or was it strictly a verbal contract? Folks, the verb has the emphasis on the "tract" part.

But more irksome to me is the now commonplace -- and supremely pre-adolescent -- mispronunciation of the lovely Latin term for "and so on." People, people, there is no "x" in et cetera! You may be accustomed to slurring out excetrah, but that's neither correct pronunciation nor even a word at all. It's two words, the first being "et", just like what you done did at dinner last Sundy arternoon, at the Fourth of JU-Lie. Afore the fireworks, you et an' et an' et and then, to watch the festivities, you cetera while in the lounge chair. Try it now: ET. CETERA.

It's really very simple.

If, even now, after viewing this page, it is a puzzlement, go buy a copy of "The King and I" starring Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr, listen to the king, and repeat after him until you get it right. I promise you, aside from hearing and seeing the exquisite Mr. Brynner saying the phrase, you'll get a big kick out of the show, and you might even learn a few fun tunes, a few swell stories...

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 9 July

Go away.

Why won't you go? Just what do you have against the solitude of an old anchorite? Did I do something cruel to you in a previous life? I can't recall having met you before. Oh, it's nothing personal, is it? You just came for something you believe you're entitled to demand of me, even though.... On the positive side, if I give you what you came here for, you'll leave, won't you? So, you came for what, exactly? Right. A reading. Simple enough. Get your walking shoes back on, because here it comes. Here you are:

You are ambitious and calculating, lacking in enthusiasm. Your methods are original, so the law may not be able to catch up with you right away. Your deductions are usually correct, which would indicate, under normal circumstances, that you have good judgment, but normal would not describe you.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You don't jump out of your skin with enthusiasm. Still, you can at least be content that you're still running strong, as opposed to these people, all of whom, on this date in history, had their gears grind to a halt: Anastasius I, General Edward Braddock, Zachary Taylor, Thomas McKean Thompson McKennan, Oliver Law, Earl Warren, Amedeo Avogadro, Paul Broca, Alphonse François Renard, King C. Gillette, Stephen Langton, Jonathan Mayhew, Edmund Burke, Giovanni Bononcini, Robert Weede, John Drew Jr., Doug Fisher, Rod Steiger, Kevin Hagen, Charles Lane, Cornelia Otis Skinner, Isabel Sanford, Harry Heilmann, Pierre Le Moyne d'Iberville, Alice Paul, Jimmy Kinnon, Eric Sevareid, Bill Mosienko, Melvin Belli,

and Milan Williams.

Night shift? Shift it back.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 8 July

Go away.

Aren't you gone yet? Why not? What is it about my little mountainside that drew you here and what can I do to erase that drawing? You want a reading, and then you'll go? I think I can arrange for that to happen... right now, in fact. Here you are:

You are interested in art and music, but lack talent, especially at the former. You are hyper, as well as moderately intelligent -- enough to get you into trouble with your absurd schemes. You are ... interesting, to put it politely.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you have the ability to be annoyed. That's certainly one up on these people, all of whom, on this date in history, gave up annoyance and other such emotions in favor of serenity eternal: Pepin, Kim Il-sung, Christiaan Huygens, Torbern Bergman, Johann Josef Loschmidt, Benjamin Baillaud, Havelock Ellis, Sin-Itiro Tomonaga, Robert B. Woodward, Saint Grimbald, Pope Eugene III, Pope Gregory XV, Moses Schorr, Percy Bysshe Shelley, Ward Kimball, Walter Kittredge, Michael Wilding, Howard Duff, James Franciscus, Dick Sargent, Peter Hawkins, June Allyson, Wild Bill Hallahan, Skeeter Webb, Diego de Almagro, William Edward Parry, Elihu Yale, Ben Holladay, Grace Coolidge, Pete Conrad,

and Charlie Shavers.

Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 7 July

Go away.

Haven't you gone? Why not? Is it so hard to make tracks? What is it about the exit that you find so repulsive? Hmmm? Oh, of course, you're not here to see me personally. You want something from me. You came here for a reading. And, once you have it of me, you will go? Promise me, please? Lovely. I can now give you, in good conscience, what you came for. Here you are:

You are quick and energetic, usually getting what you want by sly scheming. You try to be kind and loving, aiming to make life better for others, but you are generally a bully and an obstruction to improvement in the lives of those around you. Maybe you should try a career in Chicago politics, and, maybe you, too, can become either a convicted felon or a government leader or both.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But on the positive side, even if you are currently heading to maximum security facilities involuntarily, you're still one step ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, were cast into zero activity cells: Edward I "Longshanks", Edward Burd Grubb, Moshe Sharett, Henri Nestlé, Yegor Ivanovich Zolotarev, Gösta Mittag-Leffler, Pope Benedict XI, Henry Eyster Jacobs, Jeremiah Markland, Richard Brinsley Sheridan, Johanna Spyri, Arthur Conan Doyle, Giacomo Barozzi da Vignola, Clarence Hudson White, William Gary "Bunk" Johnson, Fred Neil, Roger Keith "Syd" Barrett, Vivien Leigh, Veronica Lake, Lillian Copeland, Carl Boenish, Bison Dele, Olivier Levasseur, Mary Surratt, Lewis Paine, David Herold, George Atzerodt, Bill Cullen,

and Ub Iwerks.

Now who's calling whom "prickly"?
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 6 July

Go away.

Why haven't you left yet? Don't you have some patty-cake games to play with your intellectual superiors, or something? Get along, now, little dogie. Scoot. Go on. Skedaddle. Head up, move out... and still you stand here. Why is that the medium asked knowing the answer would make nobody happy. Oh, sure. You came here for a reading, and won't leave before you have it. Well, don't let me hold you back. Here you are:

You are a humorless stuffed shirt (I'm sorry, is that redundant? Too bad). You read much, ponder endlessly, and strive to make the most of your study habits. You enjoy cul-chah and refoinmint, and can't rest unless you throw all your resources into whatever you're doing. What a complete bore!

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, even in your stiff, stolid performances, you still have a spark we like to call "life". That beats what these people have, as they all, on this date in history, became totally stiffs: Berengar II, Henry II, Edward VI, Peter III, Daniel Morgan, Granville Sharp, John Marshall, Claude V. Ricketts, Regiomantus, Georg Ohm, Bruno Augenstein, Genshin, Sir Thomas More, Edmund Grindal, Thomas Aufield, Ludovico Ariosto, Guy de Maupassant, Kenneth Grahame, William Faulkner, Kathleen E. Woodiwiss, Odilon Redon, Theodore "Fats" Navarro, Scott LaFaro, Otto Klemperer, Bobby Durham, John Frankenheimer, Brandon De Wilde, Cameron Mitchell, Roy Rogers, Buddy Ebsen, Kasey Rogers, Sad Sam Jones, Johnny Indrisano, Ruffian, Bob Johnson, Kathy Ahern,

and Louis Armstrong.

Basin? Do you need somebody to hold your hair or something? Don't look at me.
Happy birthday, anyway.