Cranky Large Medium reading, 2 August

Go away.

Why aren't you gone? Is finding the gate so difficult for you? Does your mommy know you're out alone? Run along home, now. Go on. Skedaddle. Scoot. Vamoose. Go. Leave. And.... you're still here. Why is that? Oh, of course, you forgot how to walk. No? Then what in the name of the giant cephalopod is keeping you here? Oh, of course, you want something from me. And that something is... predictably... yes, yes, a reading. Oh, no, I didn't expect that at all. So, if I give you your reading, you will leave, correct? Then let me do a little dance, here, and get you on your way. Here you are:

You can probably do a job, if you set your mind to it. After all, nature gave you opposable thumbs. Plus, you have minute business talent. You are mostly a bubblehead, giggling your way through life, always looking for ways to keep company with people you view as cult-cha'd and refoined. You can carry on a conversation, if prompted. I'm not going to do so.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Too bad. But at least you can stand there and complain, if you want. That puts you well ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, cashed in their last chips: Ælfweard of Wessex, Kato Kiyomasa, Robert Campbell of Glenlyon, Warren G. Harding, Jacques-Étienne Montgolfier, Lazare Carnot, Alexander Graham Bell, Pope John V, Harvey Spencer Lewis, Helen Hoyt, Raymond Carver, Norman Mclean, William S. Burroughs, Thomas Gainsborough, Oswald von Wolkenstein, Enrico Caruso, Brian Cole, James Jamerson, Ron Townson, Jean-Pierre Melville, Fritz Lang, Don Estelle, Mae Costello, Kay Dotrice, Alfred Lépine, W. Douglas Hawkes, Thurman Munson, Horace Mann, James Butler "Wild Bill" Hickok, Ormer Locklear, Paul von Hindenburg, Louis Blériot,

and Shari Lewis.

Tap your feet on out of here, now.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 1 August

Go away.

Why aren't you on your way away? Do you have something against leaving a poor anchorist alone? I mean, for crying out loud! How hard is it to walk past -- and not through -- a gate that says "private property"? Well? Well? Oh, I see, you came here on purpose. You weren't just ambling past and following an impulse, but rather you deliberately sought to disrupt this solitary life I had. And for what? A reading. Sheesh. I suppose you won't leave until you get what you want, either, so, the sooner I give you one, the sooner you'll be gone. So, here you are:

You rely seldom on logic, but more on "intuition," such as it is; put cats to shame with your fussiness; and are completely reckless and foolhardy. You are fond of outdoor sports and travel, and your health insurance is likely to be cancelled as a result of your pursuit of this. You like children... no, wait, let me look again... you are like a child. Your parents want you to, someday soon, be able to grow up and take responsibility for your own actions.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But such is life. When you reach maturity, you'll find that those little disappointments are natural, and you'll roll with them. And, on the positive side, even now, you probably can roll. That puts you in a better position than these people, all of whom, on this date in history, rolled into their graves: Flavius Iustinus, Shimazu Tadahisa, Cosimo de' Medici, Weetamoo, Queen Anne, Kooweskoowe, Richard Kuhn, Otto Heinrich Warburg, Tadeus Reichstein, Philip Abelson, Lorenzo Valla, Simon Grynaeus, Peter Faber, William Joseph Behr, Paddy Chayefsky, Bob Thaves, Johnny Burnette, John Ogdon, Strother Martin, Frances Farmer, Eva Bartok, Patrick Depailler, Korey Stringer, John Walker, Martha Jane "Calamity Jane" Cannary Burke, John Riley Banister, Lydia Litvyak, Gary Powers,

and Tommy Makem.

Farewell to you.
Happy birthday, anyway.
And happy birthday to Colorado, admitted to the Union on this date in 1876.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 31 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Don't you have some traffic to go play in? After all, there are plenty of cars around, still, even after the trade-in offers from the feds. In fact, there are going to be tons of them around Monmouth, Illinois, if you want to play in front of a mess of classic cars that the government probably will never get its recycling mitts on. But I don't see you running off right now, so there must be something you want from me. Out with it, now, why haven't you left, yet? Oh, right, you came for a reading. And, if I give you that, will you leave me alone? Hot-cha-cha! Here you go:

You are retentive, and, as such, have a fair amount of executive ability. Many fools will seek your opinions and judgment, in hopes of profiting by them. You are frank and honest, though, so they probably won't get anywhere. You should avoid marrying in the bloom of youth... wait until you're a few months from death, and you won't be disappointed by your mate. Or vice versa.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, be honest, now, you're not completely miserable about it. After all, you know that there's still a dance in the old dame (or dude) yet. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, danced their last tango: Thomas Dudley, Andrew Johnson, Nicolaus II Bernoulli, Pascual Jordan, William Courtenay, Ignatius Loyola, Denis Diderot, Hedd Wyn, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Poul Anderson, Franz Liszt, Jim Reeves, Teddy Wilson, Trinidad Silva, Virginia Grey, Onofre Marimón, Albert Leduc, Paul Eells, Robert Taft,

and Bud Powell.

Shaw Nuff it's time to go.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 30 July

Go away.

Why do you not go? How is that? Don't you have somewhere else to be? Don't you have something else to do besides harass an old hermit? It's not as if I'm up here for my social life, after all. Come, now, go now. And, yet, you stay. What can I do to get shut of you? And, pardon me if I don't ply my great powers to this question. Just give me a straight answer. Why are you here? I see. You want a reading. Because? I see. Because I see. And, if I give you this reading, you will be happy and go? I see. Well, then, let us waste no more time on banter. Here you are:

Oooh, you are a fussy one! You're not so good at making friends, but when you do, they're oners. You are ambitious and persevering, and a regular chameleon at work. In love, not so much. You would do everybody else a favor if you were to be a simple homebody.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But who cares? At least you're able to file your complaint before you go home. That puts you far ahead of these folks, all of whose complaints, on this date in history, caused them to be called home to the hereafter: Maria Theresa of Spain, William Penn, Miguel Hidalgo, George Pickett, Otto von Bismarck, Emperor Meiji, Joseph Cook, Bảo Đại, Julia Hall Bowman Robinson, Jacob Baradaeus, Pope Benedict I, Thomas Abel, Robert Barnes, Thomas Gray, Joyce Kilmer, Jun'ichirō Tanizaki, Howard Dietz, Joe Shuster, Michelangelo Antonioni, Ingmar Bergman, Buffalo Bob Smith, Lynn Fontanne, Brenda Marshall, Claudette Colbert, Lane Frost, Ray Cunningham, Al Balding, Bill Walsh, Anton Schwarzkopf,
and, since no musician or composer of any real significance bought the farm on this date, I'll just pop in another obnoxious bit of video, to drive you off with a clear beat...

You can't be me, and that's all there is to it.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 29 July

Go away.

Well, what's keeping you? Forget how you got here? I'm pretty sure there's a gadget somewhere on your person or within a reasonable distance that will tell you how to get back to where you once belonged. Come, now, go there. And still you stay. What will it take for me to chase you off? (As if I couldn't figure this one out for myself.) Silly me, I should have known you came here for a reading. And, if I give you one, you will leave happy, correct? Well, then, here you are:

You have a heck of a sense of humor, and a bit of wit, like noise and flash, and are generally popular among the hoi polloi. You are physically active, often caught up in fantasy, fond of art and music, altruistic and generous to a fault. You are affectionate and domestic. In other words, you even make yourself envious, sometimes. It's downright disgusting.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Still, you have the ability to see the positive, in that you are still able to see. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, went into permanent blackness: Pupienus, Balbinus, William Wilberforce, Martin Behaim, John Caius, Johann Kies, Gaspard de Prony, Thomas Dick, Vladimir Zworykin, Pope Urban II, Pope Urban VIII, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest William Christmas, Jerome Robbins, Franz Xaver Wolfgang Mozart, Robert Schumann, Fred Waring, Les Elgart, Raymond Massey, David Niven, Mike Reid, Didier Pitre, Joe Fry, Vean Gregg, Michel Larocque, Mickey Cohen, Bill Todman, Robert Moses, Tom Snyder,

and Cass Elliot.

Dream a little dream of solitude.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 28 July

Go away.

Go on. Amscray. Beat it. Skedaddle. Scoot. Hoof it. What are you waiting for -- an engraved invitation? Not that I want to crush your feelings or anything (heh), but, well, ahem. Why aren't you leaving, yet? What do you want? ... as if I didn't already know. Natch. You want a reading. Oooooh, am I ever shocked. If I give this reading to you, you'll happily leave, right? Right. Hot-cha! Here you are:

You have a keen, alert and active mind. Nobody knows quite where you last used it, though, so consider it lost. Although you're almost charming when your mind is free, most of the time you are nervous and petulant, under strain.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you can look on the positive side -- you're still upright and active. That's quite the opposite of what these people have become, as, on this date in history, they all became immobile horizontal underground units: Theodosius II, George Law Curry, Karl W. Richter, Ramón Grau, Gaspard Monge, Jan Evangelista Purkyně, William Matthew Flinders Petrie, Otto Hahn, Roger Tory Peterson, Trygve Haavelmo, Abraham Pais, Francis Crick, Pope Victor II, Edward Beecher, Cyrano de Bergerac, Abraham Cowley, Edogawa Ranpo, David Gemmell, Charles E. Pont, Antonio Vivaldi, Johann Sebastian Bach, Sam Edwards, Eugene Roche, Patrick Allen, Jill Esmond, Rosalie Crutchley, Myril Hoag, Rodrigo de Bastidas, Maximilien Robespierre, Louis de Saint-Just,

and Helen Traubel.

Du bist der Pest. Go home.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 27 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Don't you have a train to be under? Go on, now, get gone. Why are you still not going? Oh, right. You came here for something. And that something would be... as if I couldn't have figured it out for myself. You want a reading. And, if I give you that reading, you'll happily go away and let me have my blissful solitude again, right? Nift-o-rooney. Here you are:

If you concentrate your earnest efforts on all your undertakings and, with your ambitions and determination, you are capable of great success and happiness. Unfortunately, you suffer from a form of Attention Deficit Disorder, so that will never happen. You are vivacious and lovable, the very embodiment of a shih tsu puppy in human form. Be careful how you pronounce that. And be careful where you step.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, while you stand there with your tongue hanging out perkily, you can look positively. At least you are still able to wag that tail perkily, which beats what these people have, as they all, on this date, became part of dog's paradise: Robert Dinwiddie, William Lowndes Yancey, Claire Chennault, Mohammed Reza Pahlavi, Pierre Louis Maupertuis, John Dalton, Emil Theodor Kocher, Auguste-Henri Forel, James H. "Dutch" Kindelberger, Frank Zamboni, Aleksandr Danilovich Aleksandrov, Salomo Glassius, Albertus van Raalte, Gertrude Stein, Richard Aldington, Alfred Henry O'Keeffe, Ferruccio Busoni, Bobby Day, Leon Wilkeson, William Wyler, James Mason, Bob Hope, Binnie Barnes, Woolf Barnato, Babe Adams, Smoky Joe Wood, Travis Jackson, Reggie Lewis, Rhonda Singh, Gordon Solie,

and Harry "Sweets" Edison.

There's no sweeter love here. No love at all. Well, not much.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 26 July

Go away.

What's keeping you? Don't you need to be somewhere else? Like, maybe, the passing circus' side show? So, what are you waiting for -- get along, now. Nothing for you here. Except... oh, heck. You came for a reading, didn't you? If I give you one, will you be happy and wend your way down the long and winding road away from here? Coolio. Let me help you pack. Here you are :

You are capable, but mostly just a straight bully. You fancy yourself a member of the Literati, and can carry on a good show of being such, with a glib tongue and talent for show. You prefer the company of the opposite sex. Maybe someday they'll return the favor... but not in this lifetime.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, if you settle down and stop trying to browbeat me, you may realize that you're in pretty good shape. At least you're able to act all tough around me. That's miles ahead of what these people have, as, on this date in history, they went less tough and more straight stiff : Offa, Nicephorus I, Emperor Komyo, Horio Yoshiharu, Thomas Osborne, Archduke Maximilian Franz, Sam Houston, William Jennings Bryan, Matthew Ridgeway, Elena Cornaro Piscopia, Gottlob Frege, Henri Lebesgue, Maud Menten, Pope Paul II, Ibn-e-Safi, Sir Edward Poynter, Winsor McCay, Diane Arbus, Frank Loesser, Mary Wells, Betty Astell, Anthony Durante, Antonio Ascari, Frederick S. Duesenberg, Eva Perón, George Gallup, Ed Gein, Rex Barber,

and Brent Mydland.

Go. Hear.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 25 July

Go away.

Why won't you go? Did somebody fill you with daft notions of sharing the life of a recluse? Silly, silly you! Oh, no, that's not why you're here. You just came to pester me about something, didn't you? What is it you want (or do I really have to ask)? Right. Reading. You want one. Sigh. If I give you one promptly, you'll go, right? Right. Look at me smiling. I'm grinning like an idiot at the prospect of you going. So. Here you are:

You make friends easily and have a magnetic personality, so avoid Iron Man, at all costs. With good business sense, executive ability and too much luck in all your dealings, you are very likely to engender envy. In me, first. You should probably get used to wearing shin guards.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You're just plain smug, you barstidge! And you probably know deep in your bones how much better off you are than these people, who, as of this date in history, moved to the Bone Garden : Constantius Chlorus, Isaac Low, Andreas Libavius, Charles Macintosh, Ludwig Bölkow, Tracy Hall, Pope Innocent VIII, John Taylor, François Hédelin, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Hal Foster, Charlie Rich, Tal Farlow, Erik Brann, Vincente Minnelli, John Schlesinger, Alfred Drake, Howard Vernon, Judith Barsi, Bryan Hextall, Ben Hogan, "James Barry", François Coty, Carl Brashear,

and Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton.

Now, go down home.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 24 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Have you no mercy? Have you no shame? Have you no ride back to town? Please, go now. And yet you stand here like a statue with a pre-recorded message playing from cheap speakers. I came here for something. Well, bully for you. I suppose if I give you that something, you will be happy to take up those stone feet and walk away? So, what is it you want the medium asked having a very good idea the direction this is going. A reading. How original. Well, if I must, I suppose I must. And this will make you go? Great. Here you are:

Everything you do is done with intensity. You are emotional and quick-tempered. Jeez, learn a little self-control! Maybe it will prepare you for being a halfway decent parent - as long as there is some poor sap willing to join you in the reproductive process. Like that will ever happen!

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you can look on the positive side -- whoa! stop dancing all over the place. Well, at least you can prance across the floor, which beats what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all ended their last fandango : Shirakawa, Konrad von Thüringen, Martin Van Buren, James Chadwick, Fritz Albert Lipmann, John Boste, Nathanial Lardner, Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Benedetto Marcello, Peter Sellers, Chaney Kley, Constance Bennett, Tony Lema, Sam Berger, William J. Brennan, Albert Ellis,

and no musicians of any real importance, so here's a little Warren Zevon to make the day go faster:

Now, may I have back my Splendid Isolation?
Happy birthday, anyway.