Cranky Large Medium reading, 31 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Don't you have some traffic to go play in? After all, there are plenty of cars around, still, even after the trade-in offers from the feds. In fact, there are going to be tons of them around Monmouth, Illinois, if you want to play in front of a mess of classic cars that the government probably will never get its recycling mitts on. But I don't see you running off right now, so there must be something you want from me. Out with it, now, why haven't you left, yet? Oh, right, you came for a reading. And, if I give you that, will you leave me alone? Hot-cha-cha! Here you go:

You are retentive, and, as such, have a fair amount of executive ability. Many fools will seek your opinions and judgment, in hopes of profiting by them. You are frank and honest, though, so they probably won't get anywhere. You should avoid marrying in the bloom of youth... wait until you're a few months from death, and you won't be disappointed by your mate. Or vice versa.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, be honest, now, you're not completely miserable about it. After all, you know that there's still a dance in the old dame (or dude) yet. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, danced their last tango: Thomas Dudley, Andrew Johnson, Nicolaus II Bernoulli, Pascual Jordan, William Courtenay, Ignatius Loyola, Denis Diderot, Hedd Wyn, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Poul Anderson, Franz Liszt, Jim Reeves, Teddy Wilson, Trinidad Silva, Virginia Grey, Onofre Marimón, Albert Leduc, Paul Eells, Robert Taft,

and Bud Powell.

Shaw Nuff it's time to go.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 30 July

Go away.

Why do you not go? How is that? Don't you have somewhere else to be? Don't you have something else to do besides harass an old hermit? It's not as if I'm up here for my social life, after all. Come, now, go now. And, yet, you stay. What can I do to get shut of you? And, pardon me if I don't ply my great powers to this question. Just give me a straight answer. Why are you here? I see. You want a reading. Because? I see. Because I see. And, if I give you this reading, you will be happy and go? I see. Well, then, let us waste no more time on banter. Here you are:

Oooh, you are a fussy one! You're not so good at making friends, but when you do, they're oners. You are ambitious and persevering, and a regular chameleon at work. In love, not so much. You would do everybody else a favor if you were to be a simple homebody.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But who cares? At least you're able to file your complaint before you go home. That puts you far ahead of these folks, all of whose complaints, on this date in history, caused them to be called home to the hereafter: Maria Theresa of Spain, William Penn, Miguel Hidalgo, George Pickett, Otto von Bismarck, Emperor Meiji, Joseph Cook, Bảo Đại, Julia Hall Bowman Robinson, Jacob Baradaeus, Pope Benedict I, Thomas Abel, Robert Barnes, Thomas Gray, Joyce Kilmer, Jun'ichirō Tanizaki, Howard Dietz, Joe Shuster, Michelangelo Antonioni, Ingmar Bergman, Buffalo Bob Smith, Lynn Fontanne, Brenda Marshall, Claudette Colbert, Lane Frost, Ray Cunningham, Al Balding, Bill Walsh, Anton Schwarzkopf,
and, since no musician or composer of any real significance bought the farm on this date, I'll just pop in another obnoxious bit of video, to drive you off with a clear beat...

You can't be me, and that's all there is to it.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 29 July

Go away.

Well, what's keeping you? Forget how you got here? I'm pretty sure there's a gadget somewhere on your person or within a reasonable distance that will tell you how to get back to where you once belonged. Come, now, go there. And still you stay. What will it take for me to chase you off? (As if I couldn't figure this one out for myself.) Silly me, I should have known you came here for a reading. And, if I give you one, you will leave happy, correct? Well, then, here you are:

You have a heck of a sense of humor, and a bit of wit, like noise and flash, and are generally popular among the hoi polloi. You are physically active, often caught up in fantasy, fond of art and music, altruistic and generous to a fault. You are affectionate and domestic. In other words, you even make yourself envious, sometimes. It's downright disgusting.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Still, you have the ability to see the positive, in that you are still able to see. That puts you ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, went into permanent blackness: Pupienus, Balbinus, William Wilberforce, Martin Behaim, John Caius, Johann Kies, Gaspard de Prony, Thomas Dick, Vladimir Zworykin, Pope Urban II, Pope Urban VIII, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest William Christmas, Jerome Robbins, Franz Xaver Wolfgang Mozart, Robert Schumann, Fred Waring, Les Elgart, Raymond Massey, David Niven, Mike Reid, Didier Pitre, Joe Fry, Vean Gregg, Michel Larocque, Mickey Cohen, Bill Todman, Robert Moses, Tom Snyder,

and Cass Elliot.

Dream a little dream of solitude.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 28 July

Go away.

Go on. Amscray. Beat it. Skedaddle. Scoot. Hoof it. What are you waiting for -- an engraved invitation? Not that I want to crush your feelings or anything (heh), but, well, ahem. Why aren't you leaving, yet? What do you want? ... as if I didn't already know. Natch. You want a reading. Oooooh, am I ever shocked. If I give this reading to you, you'll happily leave, right? Right. Hot-cha! Here you are:

You have a keen, alert and active mind. Nobody knows quite where you last used it, though, so consider it lost. Although you're almost charming when your mind is free, most of the time you are nervous and petulant, under strain.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you can look on the positive side -- you're still upright and active. That's quite the opposite of what these people have become, as, on this date in history, they all became immobile horizontal underground units: Theodosius II, George Law Curry, Karl W. Richter, Ramón Grau, Gaspard Monge, Jan Evangelista Purkyně, William Matthew Flinders Petrie, Otto Hahn, Roger Tory Peterson, Trygve Haavelmo, Abraham Pais, Francis Crick, Pope Victor II, Edward Beecher, Cyrano de Bergerac, Abraham Cowley, Edogawa Ranpo, David Gemmell, Charles E. Pont, Antonio Vivaldi, Johann Sebastian Bach, Sam Edwards, Eugene Roche, Patrick Allen, Jill Esmond, Rosalie Crutchley, Myril Hoag, Rodrigo de Bastidas, Maximilien Robespierre, Louis de Saint-Just,

and Helen Traubel.

Du bist der Pest. Go home.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 27 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Don't you have a train to be under? Go on, now, get gone. Why are you still not going? Oh, right. You came here for something. And that something would be... as if I couldn't have figured it out for myself. You want a reading. And, if I give you that reading, you'll happily go away and let me have my blissful solitude again, right? Nift-o-rooney. Here you are:

If you concentrate your earnest efforts on all your undertakings and, with your ambitions and determination, you are capable of great success and happiness. Unfortunately, you suffer from a form of Attention Deficit Disorder, so that will never happen. You are vivacious and lovable, the very embodiment of a shih tsu puppy in human form. Be careful how you pronounce that. And be careful where you step.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, while you stand there with your tongue hanging out perkily, you can look positively. At least you are still able to wag that tail perkily, which beats what these people have, as they all, on this date, became part of dog's paradise: Robert Dinwiddie, William Lowndes Yancey, Claire Chennault, Mohammed Reza Pahlavi, Pierre Louis Maupertuis, John Dalton, Emil Theodor Kocher, Auguste-Henri Forel, James H. "Dutch" Kindelberger, Frank Zamboni, Aleksandr Danilovich Aleksandrov, Salomo Glassius, Albertus van Raalte, Gertrude Stein, Richard Aldington, Alfred Henry O'Keeffe, Ferruccio Busoni, Bobby Day, Leon Wilkeson, William Wyler, James Mason, Bob Hope, Binnie Barnes, Woolf Barnato, Babe Adams, Smoky Joe Wood, Travis Jackson, Reggie Lewis, Rhonda Singh, Gordon Solie,

and Harry "Sweets" Edison.

There's no sweeter love here. No love at all. Well, not much.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 26 July

Go away.

What's keeping you? Don't you need to be somewhere else? Like, maybe, the passing circus' side show? So, what are you waiting for -- get along, now. Nothing for you here. Except... oh, heck. You came for a reading, didn't you? If I give you one, will you be happy and wend your way down the long and winding road away from here? Coolio. Let me help you pack. Here you are :

You are capable, but mostly just a straight bully. You fancy yourself a member of the Literati, and can carry on a good show of being such, with a glib tongue and talent for show. You prefer the company of the opposite sex. Maybe someday they'll return the favor... but not in this lifetime.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, if you settle down and stop trying to browbeat me, you may realize that you're in pretty good shape. At least you're able to act all tough around me. That's miles ahead of what these people have, as, on this date in history, they went less tough and more straight stiff : Offa, Nicephorus I, Emperor Komyo, Horio Yoshiharu, Thomas Osborne, Archduke Maximilian Franz, Sam Houston, William Jennings Bryan, Matthew Ridgeway, Elena Cornaro Piscopia, Gottlob Frege, Henri Lebesgue, Maud Menten, Pope Paul II, Ibn-e-Safi, Sir Edward Poynter, Winsor McCay, Diane Arbus, Frank Loesser, Mary Wells, Betty Astell, Anthony Durante, Antonio Ascari, Frederick S. Duesenberg, Eva Perón, George Gallup, Ed Gein, Rex Barber,

and Brent Mydland.

Go. Hear.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 25 July

Go away.

Why won't you go? Did somebody fill you with daft notions of sharing the life of a recluse? Silly, silly you! Oh, no, that's not why you're here. You just came to pester me about something, didn't you? What is it you want (or do I really have to ask)? Right. Reading. You want one. Sigh. If I give you one promptly, you'll go, right? Right. Look at me smiling. I'm grinning like an idiot at the prospect of you going. So. Here you are:

You make friends easily and have a magnetic personality, so avoid Iron Man, at all costs. With good business sense, executive ability and too much luck in all your dealings, you are very likely to engender envy. In me, first. You should probably get used to wearing shin guards.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You're just plain smug, you barstidge! And you probably know deep in your bones how much better off you are than these people, who, as of this date in history, moved to the Bone Garden : Constantius Chlorus, Isaac Low, Andreas Libavius, Charles Macintosh, Ludwig Bölkow, Tracy Hall, Pope Innocent VIII, John Taylor, François Hédelin, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Hal Foster, Charlie Rich, Tal Farlow, Erik Brann, Vincente Minnelli, John Schlesinger, Alfred Drake, Howard Vernon, Judith Barsi, Bryan Hextall, Ben Hogan, "James Barry", François Coty, Carl Brashear,

and Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton.

Now, go down home.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 24 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Have you no mercy? Have you no shame? Have you no ride back to town? Please, go now. And yet you stand here like a statue with a pre-recorded message playing from cheap speakers. I came here for something. Well, bully for you. I suppose if I give you that something, you will be happy to take up those stone feet and walk away? So, what is it you want the medium asked having a very good idea the direction this is going. A reading. How original. Well, if I must, I suppose I must. And this will make you go? Great. Here you are:

Everything you do is done with intensity. You are emotional and quick-tempered. Jeez, learn a little self-control! Maybe it will prepare you for being a halfway decent parent - as long as there is some poor sap willing to join you in the reproductive process. Like that will ever happen!

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you can look on the positive side -- whoa! stop dancing all over the place. Well, at least you can prance across the floor, which beats what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all ended their last fandango : Shirakawa, Konrad von Thüringen, Martin Van Buren, James Chadwick, Fritz Albert Lipmann, John Boste, Nathanial Lardner, Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Benedetto Marcello, Peter Sellers, Chaney Kley, Constance Bennett, Tony Lema, Sam Berger, William J. Brennan, Albert Ellis,

and no musicians of any real importance, so here's a little Warren Zevon to make the day go faster:

Now, may I have back my Splendid Isolation?
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 23 July

Go away.

Why did you wake me? Let me crawl back under my ratty blanket and restack those "Z"s. Why won't you go? What cruel streak in you keeps you standing in front of me? Grumble grumble a medium tries to sleep in once in a while, and what do we get? Gimme gimme gimme. I wanna reeeeeeeading. Well, fine then. If I give it to you, you'lll be happy and leave me alone? Swell. Here you are:

You are energetic, vivacious and rather talkative. Will you sit down and be quiet while I do this, please? You like the social scene and desperately want to be the center of everybody's attention, taking an active part in all undertakings. You are not demonstrative in your love, probably because you talk too much to ever figure out the more important (nonverbal) methods of communication. You will therefore probably never find a mate who will understand you.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. Will you sit down and be quiet, please? Criminy. At least you can look on the bright side of things -- you aren't really able to sit down and be quiet. That's quite the opposite problem from that plaguing these people, all of whom, on this date in history, were permanently silenced: John Joachim Zubly, Roger Sherman, Andries Pretorius, Hiram Ulysses Grant, Cordell Hull, Mohammed Zahir Shah, George Edwards, Isaac Singer, Sir William Ramsay, Adam Czerniakow, Henry Hallett Dale, Kenjiro Takayanagi, Qiu Chuji, Saint Birgitta, Gilbert Tennent, John Day, Eudora Welty, Chaim Potok, Domenico Scarlatti, Keith Godchaux, D. W. Griffith, Robert J. Flaherty, Montgomery Clift, Van Heflin, Vic Morrow, Leo McKern, Tenby Davies, Thomas Percy, Pancho Villa, Glenn Curtiss,

and Ron Miller.

For once in your life, will you be quiet and go?
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 22 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? What is it that keeps you from going, when there is a perfectly good gate, and a lovely path beyond? Are you mad? Are you sad? Are you gathering moss? Oh, you just want a reading. Well, I think I can accommodate you, today. As long as you promise that, once I give it to you, you will leave me alone again. Naturally. Well, here you are, anyway:

You have a blithe disposition, mostly because you remain clueless as to anything of any important. It is recommended that you marry young, so as to not be a complete disappointment to your partner. You are friendly, appreciate the good in others and are fair and generous in every way. If only you had something worthwhile to offer others.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you have the ability to look on the bright side (while you're appreciating the good in this). You're still alive and kicking, which beats the heck out of what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all kicked the habit of breathing: John Zápolya, Hugh Drysdale, Napoleon II, Auguste Marmont, James B. McPherson, Cassius Clay, Giuseppe Piazzi, John A. Roebling, Sir Sandford Fleming, Jokichi Takamine, Reginald Fessenden, Lawrence of Brindisi, Pope Clement X, The Rev William Snodgrass, James Whitcomb Riley, Carl Sandburg, Martti Talvela, Rob Collins, Hermann Prey, Gar Samuelson, Eugene Record, Laszlo Kovacs, Wilson Barrett, Florenz Ziegfeld, Duane Jones, Eric Christmas, Estelle Getty Harold Larwood, Mike Coolbaugh, Rollie Stiles, Trijntje Keever, Errico Malatesta, John Dillinger, Wayne "Marlboro Man" McLaren, Qusay Hussein, Uday Hussein,

and Illinois Jacquet.

Jive crazy, generally crazy... all the same around here.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 21 July

Go away.

What are you doing still here? Why won't you go? What is it about my presence which has you rooted to the spot? Certainly it can't be my sultry good looks and sense of style. So, why are you here, again? Oh, right. Ask the medium. You wanted a reading. And, if I give you one, you will leave, no? Glorious! Permit me. Here you are:

You are caught up in being an intellectual, and like to assume the role of leader, even though many of the projects you lead require solid instincts which you so seriously lack. You like to travel and seek adventure ; are very healthy with no understanding or tolerance of pain in others. What a jackass! You have the courage of your convictions until somebody easily points out where you are wrong.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But, hey, at least you can think about the positive side of this... you're able to keep on thinking. These people lack that capability, as, on this date in history, they all suffered total, permanent hard drive crash: Henry Percy, Manuel II Palaeologus, Nelson Dewey, Claus von Stauffenberg, Robert Burns, Owen Wister, Marc Reisner, Arshile Gorky, Lee Miller, Ruth St. Denis, Jerry Goldsmith, Basil Rathbone, Robert Young, Steve Barton, Makoto "Mako" Iwamatsu, Bill Gleason, Charlie Paddock, Jimmie Foxx, Sam Bass, Dave Garroway, Alan Shepard,

and Long John Baldry.

One step ahead and you'll fall off the mountain.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 20 July

Go away.

Why are you still hanging around here? Isn't there something else you should be doing -- like washing your hair or scrubbing your toenails? Why aren't you gone? Oh, right, you'll be here after your reading won't you? So, if I give you yours, will you pack up and make your way out from here? Goody gumdrops! Here you are:

You are shrewd, upright, uptight and a stickler at work -- a real primadonna. You are outspoken, but can occasionally be careful in your words. Too bad that happens so seldom when it really counts. You are a regular social butterfly. Somebody will squash you like the insect you are.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But at least you have one thing above and beyond what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all moved to Adios Park: Emperor Toba, Bernhard Riemann, Andrey Markov, Guglielmo Marconi, Pope Boniface VII, Peter Lombard, Pope Leo XIII, Jean Ingelow, William Cosmo Monkhouse, Robert Smithson, Johann Christoph Pepusch, Lew Fields, Richard Egan, James Doohan, Kayo Hatta, Mildred Harris, Sandra Gould, Bruce Lee, June Byers, Peregrine White, Francisco "Pancho" Villa, Felix Edmundovich Dzerzhinskiy, Frank Reynolds, Herbert Jenkins, Vincent Foster Jr., Tammy Faye Messner (Bakker),

and Roy Hamilton.

Here comes the exit.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 19 July

Go away.

Why are you here? Don't you have a bridge somewhere to jump off? Go on, now, skedaddle. Why won't you go? What is it about my mountain that keeps you on top of it? Oh, right, you came here for something in particular, and that was... heh, a medium should be able to grass this one easily. Let me see, now... of course, you came for what's inside my head. Well, let me pour it out, so you'll be gone. Here you are:

You have a vivid imagination, not especially practical in most circumstances. Along with that, though, you have boundless energy and ruthless ambition. With all of that, you can't figure out why people don't like you very much. That's why it's good that you like to travel, to get away.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But then, with your imagination, you should be able to find the positive side to this -- that is, you're still alive to complain about it. That puts you far ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date in history, became figments themselves: Uda, Louise of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, Soji Okita, Zenko Suzuki, Pierre Louis Dulong, Pope Symmachus, Cesare Cremonini, Abraham H. Cannon, Bill Bright, Reverend Francis Marzen, Petrarch, William Somervile, Margaret Fuller, Rose Hartwick Thorpe, Edward Bunker, Alan Lomax, Joe Flynn, John Harvey, Eddie Quillan, Jack Warden, Elmer Valo, Lady Mary Boleyn, Sarah Good, Susannah Martin, Yekaterina Budanova,

and Lefty Frizzell.

Now you're up here on the mountain and...where's your daughter's beau?
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 18 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Why won't you go? Why do you torment me so? Why is the sky blue, the grass green? Is there something I can do to make these questions go away? Oh, right, I can give you a reading, and all will become right with the world, and then you will leave. Isn't that so? Goody gum drops. Here you go:

You are, like a cat, obsessively fastidious. In fact, you are quite the dandy, a complete fop. You do study art and fashion as though your life depended upon that. It probably does. Your temper is quick. That's about the only part of your mind which is.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But that doesn't matter. At least by the end of this sentence your little temper tantrum will be over, and you'll be able to look at the bright side of things, as in, you're alive. That beats what these people have, as, on this date in history, they all checked their matter at the door: John Paul Jones, Robert Gould Shaw, Benito Juárez, William Westmoreland, Kenji Miyamoto, Ferdinand von Hochstetter, Karl Menninger, Eugene Merle Shoemaker, Victor Emery, Muhammad bin Qasim, Godfrey of Bouillon, Johann Heinrich Heidegger, Jane Austen, Horatio Alger, Jr., Benjamin C. Truman, Julian Bell, Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio, Antoine Watteau, Vítězslav Novák, Jerry Hadley, Jack Earle, Jack Hawkins, Rebecca Schaeffer, Donnie Moore, Bill Hicke, Machine Gun Kelly, Mary Jo Kopechne,

and Bobby Fuller.

I fought gravity. Gravity won. Good night.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 17 July

Go away.

What are you doing still standing there? Isn't the bus waiting for you? Well, go on, get to it! It will leave without you, and then you'll have to sleep out on the side of the hill, because... well, let's face it, I'm not sharing my cave with you, no matter how hard you beg. So, go on. And still you're here. What will it take for me to be rid of you? Oh, right, you want a reading. And then you'll happily leave? Boy howdy, that's a bargain! Here you are:

You are a regular MacGyver, aren't you? Even so, you spend far too much time decorating your home, so people will eventually talk.... Oh, and you're a past master at talk -- your conversational skills impress the State Department. By your kindly manner, you will irritate most of us who will eventually realize that, deep down, you're lacking in confidence just like the rest of us, but you're better at hiding it than most.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You're quaking in your boots at the prospect of being found out. Still, you have things so much better than these people, all of whom, on this date, were taken to Boot Hill: Hosokawa Takakuni, Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey, Dorothea Dix, Nicholas II, Adam Smith, John Roebuck, Henri Poincaré, William James Sidis, Boris Delaunay, Magnus Felix Ennodius, Georg Fabricius, Katharine Graham, Mickey Spillane, Maurycy Gottlieb, Sinan, John Coltrane, Chas Chandler, Yujiro Ishihara, Pat Roach, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Ty Cobb, Dizzy Dean, Pierre-Charles Le Sueur, Robert Bolling, Charlotte Corday, Jim Bridger, Alexandra Fyodorovna,

and Eleanora Fagan aka Billie Holiday.

My tea is a-brewin, so you'd best go.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 16 July

Go away.

Why are you still here? Don't you have somewhere better to be, something responsible to do, someone less... me to bother? Go on, now. You can skip off this mountainside easily, right? Let me see the back of you. I'm pretty sure the back of you lacks that great honkin' schnozz. Turn it around, now.... why aren't you gone? You came here for something. Right. I didn't see that coming, did I, now? And the something would be... a reading. Quel shocka! Well, if that's what it takes to make you go, I can get behind it. Here you are:

Dang, you are stubborn! Your very definite and exceedingly narrow ideas of right and wrong are emphatic and you cannot tolerate the slightest deviation from them in others. In your passion for correctness, you wind up little more than a sanctimonious bully.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. But then, with your back as rigid as it is, I can't imagine you would be happy under any circumstances. Hey, at least you can say I pointed out the one advantage you have in this life -- that would be this life. It's way more than these people have, as each and every one of them, on this date in history, got patted on the back by the grim reaper: Emperor Go-Uda, Raoul Wallenberg*, Ilya Mechnikov, Julian Schwinger, John Cocke, Anne Askew, John Pearson, Ellen White, Ned Buntline, Hilaire Belloc, John P. Marquand, Heinrich Böll, May Sarton, Giuseppe Maria Crespi, Francis Cotes, Robert Motherwell, Johann David Heinichen, Alfred Deller, Wayne King, Herbert von Karajan, John Panozzo, Jo Stafford, Buck Buchanan, Anne of Cleves, Thomas "Tad" Lincoln, Mary Todd Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Carolyn Bessette Kennedy,

and Harry Chapin.

Now you can start down the hill... preferably without bananas.
Happy birthday, anyway.

*date and year disputed, but viewed as "official" by government of USSR.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 15 July

Go away.

Please, won't you leave? I'm practically begging you. What will it take to make you go? Money? I have none. Power? I have none. Charm? I have none. Sex? Trust me. You don't want to go there. So, how can I persuade you to take to the highway? You'll go if I give you a reading? What a novel approach. I think I can arrange that. In fact, get packed -- here you are:

Inclined towards fretting and worrying, you mean well but irritate. If you could stop gnawing your fingernails, you might actually find are actually fond of fun. You have an active imagination, an offshoot of which is your perception that you are psychic. Just because you can predict elections in Chicago does not mean you can actually see the future. That's just politics.

Are you happy now? Of course not. But you ought to be. After all, you're well ahead of these people, all of whom, on this date, were taken to a place where politics can't reach them (unless they're from Chicago, in which case they will forever after vote Democrat): Rudolph I of Germany, Ulrich von Jungingen, Shimazu Takahisa, John J. Pershing, Hermann Emil Fischer, Bonaventure, John Ball, Michael Bruce, Anton Chekhov, Annibale Carracci, Girolamo Rainaldi, Charles-André van Loo, Jean Antoine Houdon, Jacques Duphly, Carl Czerny, Freddie Keppard, Walter Donaldson, Bert Convy, David Brian, Margaret Lockwood, Dana Hill, Billy Haughton, Tex Schramm, Juan Ponce de León, James Scott, 1st Duke of Monmouth, Robert Pershing Wadlow, Julia Lennon, Gianni Versace, Robert H. Brooks,

and Lawrence Tibbett.

Now. You. On the road to anywhere.
Happy birthday, anyway.

Cranky Large Medium reading, 14 July

Go away.

Why won't you leave? Is your proximity to me so necessary in your life? Tell me I am your life, your love, your world... you're in need of psychiatric assistance. Oh, you're not here for my love, just my answers. You want a reading. As if I couldn't have gathered that from the way you stood there gaping. Well, if that's all it will take to get you to leave me alone again, what am I waiting for? Here you are:

With your rigidity and stuffiness, you cannot tolerate or understand anything different in others. You are so wrapped up in your fantasies that you would probably perish miserably if one of your ideals were shattered. In order to be happy, you must have the full understanding of your mate. Sadly, full understanding is what would drive a mate away.

Are you happy, now? Of course not. You, with the corn cob in the inconvenient location, can not see the good in my words. Look on it this way, though -- at least you're able to be disappointed. That's a lot better than these people have it, as, on this date in history, they all turned erasing mathematicians, and began to dis-integrate: Edmond Charles Genêt, Adlai Stevenson, Carl Spaatz, Augustin-Jean Fresnel, William Henry Perkin, Richard Taverner, Camillus de Lellis, August Neander, Claude Fleury, Richard Bentley, Anne Louise Germaine de Staël, Jacinto Benavente, František Maxmilián Kaňka, Thomas Hazlehurst, Alphonse Mucha, Julie Manet, Jackie Saunders, Meredith MacRae, Pancho Villa, Bernard-René de Launay, Henry McCarty a.k.a. William H. Bonney a.k.a. Billy the Kid, Quentin Roosevelt, Frank Bell, Richard McDonald,

and Joe Harnell.

Please, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Happy birthday, anyway.