Why won't you go? Is there something wrong with your feet? Or is it the other end of you where the problem lies? Not that -- although the posterior is an annoyance, as long as you haven't carried it out the gate and far off. The tippy-top part is usually the greatest source of irritation, isn't it? So, why won't you go, now, so as to avoid further irritation and ensuing rash? I see. You want me to give you something. You want me to read. Uh huh. Oh, right, you want me to give you a reading. If I do, will you go? Watch me do the happy dance! Here you are:
You are a bookworm with a gift for absorbing what you read. Maybe you should, sometime, move away from comic books and graphic novels to something which might actually apply in real life. You tend to accomplish much of what you attempt, by sheer force of will... in other words, you are a regular bully. Marry early in life and somebody will be very happy. Probably your parents.
Why am I not yet alone? Why do you still stand here before me? Did I not make myself clear that I prefer you leave? So, why do you stay were nobody makes you welcome? Are you lost? The exit is right over there, next to the abrupt drop-off. Now, run along. Why are you still here, then? Oh, you want something from me, do you? I see, said the seer. Permit me to pretend I know nothing about what it is you seek. No, ever mind, that would keep you around here for longer. Let me cut to the chase. You want a reading. And, if I give it to you, you will be happy and leave promptly? Lovely. Pack your bags and let's get cruising. Here you are:
Wow, you don't quite get the "being normal" thing, do you? You're a real original! You are mesmerizing (as are most train wrecks), brusque in your speech habits, and demonstrative in your peculiar affections. Your generosity is often commented upon... as in, "Keep it to yourself, weirdo!" Fortunately, you're not bad at keeping other people's secrets. As long as you don't try to include anybody else in it, you can have a very pleasant home life.
Why won't you leave? What is holding you here? How come you're still here? When will you go? Who do I have to pay to get rid of you? Where else but here can one torment a medium, anyway? Have I asked sufficient questions to drive you out? So, then, pack up and get gone... why aren't you moving? You want something from me. And that something, which I must grudgingly give to you is...? Silly me, as though I couldn't have guessed, or at least used my vast powers to predict! You came here for a reading. And, once I give you a reading, you will go away? Hip-de-hidey-ho! Here you are:
You might, if you so chose, be an entertaining and amusing talker. If you ever chose topics which wouldn't annoy us all. You like music and art, and, if you could understand it, might also enjoy intellectual stimulation, such as one might get by associating with cultured people, instead of people growing cultures. You are stuffy and serious. Get used to living alone.
Why won't you go away? What is it about this mountaintop that holds you here, against all others' wishes? All right, since we're alone, then I'm all others here today, so I'm permitted hyperbole. All the rest of us want you to leave. And yet you stay. Why is that? Oh, we see. You want something from us. And that something, that we all can give you solo, is...? No, no, let us guess... you want my secret tomato-onion marinade recipe. No? My 2009 presidential campaign souvenir tire gauge? Hmmm... I can't imagine what else we might have that you must take from us. Oh, but you came for a reading! Naturally, we should have known, shouldn't we all? If we give you this, will you hie yourself away? 'Od's buttons, but that works for us! Here you are:
You are a plodder, slower than a tortoise, dimmer than the spark of a band-aid wrapper being opened. At least you take your time to think things over before acting. That makes you accurate more often than some, so you can finish what you start. If you live so long. You will find your mate under the sign of Virgo. Your mate will find true love under the sign of "free beer".
Okay, they're none of them Hilly, but they'd have gotten nowhere without him... kind of like where you seem to be going. Now, scram. Happy birthday, anyway.
Why won't you get gone? How come you are still here? Did somebody drop you on your head, just now, and you're too disoriented to find your way down a hill? Are you just insane? Why won't you go, when somebody asks you so politely? Oh, I see, you came here for something, and you won't up and go until I up and give it to you. And that something would have to be of great value, yes? Well, my non-friend, I have nothing of value, except myself, and I surrender that to nobody, these days, for the greater good. I'm sure even you can understand that. So, now that we've established there's nothing here for you, you will go, right? Oh, I see. You want a reading. Well, heck, that's simple enough. And, if I give you one, you will leave, right? Let me get right to it, then. Here you are:
You are a bookworm, too clever by half, and a sarcastic so-and-so, making your friends cringe or consider pulling their own heads off rather than face you, some days. You are nicer to your enemies. You will choose a push-over for a mate.
What are you doing still here? Isn't there a bus you should be under? Oh, I'm sorry, you might not be in politics. But isn't it time for you to have been gone somewhere far, far away? Why are you still here? Warum? Waarom? Perché? ¿Por qué? Pourquoi ? For what reason? Oh, right, you came here for something from me. Like my charming and delightful scratchy blanket. Or, maybe something even less comforting, such as what you really want... a reading. Why you want to know more about yourself is beyond me, but, nonetheless, if it will get you out of here in short order, I'll dredge one up for you. Here you are:
You are a bookworm with a taste for pretty things, and fancy yourself an artist. Pig-headed and ornery under most circumstances, you flex and bend at inconvenient moments. People notice your tendency toward being distant, reserved, aloof, which you mistakenly call "cool". You take nothing for granted, but still you take, take, take, and will be the only happy one in your marriage.
Why are you still hanging around here? Isn't there somewhere else you can go, someone else you can annoy -- like , maybe a bull elephant? What is it that keeps you from turning around and leaving? Oh, I see, you came here for something, and you'd prefer not to leave until you have it. And I'm guessing what you came for is something only I can give you, as I'm so very special. Oh, dear, you should wipe that earnest look off your face, I'm not buying it. Okay, I'll accept you at face value if you let me know what it is you want and promise that, once you have it, you'll leave. Deal? Deal. Heh. You want a reading. This is going to be fun. After all, I'm not going to sugar-coat things the way your kindergarten teacher still does. Get ready to leave, here you are:
You have the characteristics of a leader, and the ambition of a legume; you watch what you say and work on diplomacy, not exploding unless you feel like doing so. You're warm and sincere in your affections, such as they are, and are a complete barstidge to people who tick you off. If you want to marry, you should find a mate who lacks the brains to recognize an argument when it approaches, because you constantly feel the need to be worshipped.
Why are you here? Why won't you go? What's keeping you here (other than perverse pleasure at seeing a solitary soul suffer an invasion of privacy)? Ah, I see, you came here for something only I can offer you. Would that be a sample of my DNA for future cloning? Because I'd have to refuse, on the grounds that it would probably only make me twice as grumpy. So... oh, it's not the DNA you're after. Then what is it I could possibly have to offer you as if I didn't already know? Yes, yes. You want a reading. Well, this is you, and don't take it too personally. I'm this cheery with all my blissful isolation. Here you are, then:
You are honest, just, generous, affectionate, and far-sighted, but a good pair of spectacles will fix that last item. The rest is just annoying to the general populace. You love music, and have some talent for it, -- mostly in the shower, where we'd prefer you kept it. You are an amusing and interesting talker; a little speech therapy might solve that problem. You are tied to your home and emotionally smother the ones you care about.
Why are you still here? Why haven't you turned around and gone, the way any decent person would, upon hearing my request. Are you genuinely indecent? Well, put some clothes on, for crying out loud! Oh, right. That's the fashion of the day, what you have ostensibly covering you. So, then, why are you still here? You want something from me. You want a reading. Why am I not surprised? Sheesh. If I give you this reading, you will go, correct? Ah, joy. Here you are, then:
You are a regular jock, can't sit still, can't be contained by an indoor environment. With your bathing habits, that's probably a very good thing. You have an alert mind, are nosy as heck, and make the center of the gossip circle your home. You love this home, and will spend many long years in it without love, as eventually nobody will trust you with secrets.
What are you doing still here? Why won't you go? What makes you so cruel? How do I get you to leave? Ah, that one, you can answer! So, then, do tell. What is it that I can do to make you go? Give you a reading. That's all? As if there were anything else I could offer. You promise, this will get you on your way, right? Well, then, say no more! Here you are:
Your smart-aleck manners often get you your way, but at what cost? You are something of a fuss-budget, independent (fortunate for you, as you won't get much companionship). You have the ability to make people see things your way, which is a good thing, in an ophthalmologist.
Why haven't you left? Is that even right? I give you instructions, and you refuse to follow them. It's as though you're a politician in training, or something. So, pray tell, why aren't you gone? Did you forget the way downhill? That's easy... it's the opposite direction from uphill. Now, skedaddle. Scram. Twenty-three-skidoo. I'm detecting no motion. Why is that? Oh, you won't go unless I give you something. I see. And that thing you want from me? I see. Since I'm a seer, I should have seen that coming, right? You want me to see you. I'd sooner wash my eyes with caustic lyes, but I suppose if it gets you out of here, I'll take a quick look-see into what you want to know. Here you are:
With your magnetic and strong personality you will have great powers for good or evil; people instinctively follow your lead. If only you had native intelligence to help with that. But you are opinionated, critical, and aggressive, as well as more adaptable than a chameleon. For all that, you can't stand disorder in your own house, even though that's what your bullying generates.
Why did you wake me -- er, interrupt my meditation? Why won't you go? Have you no heart? Come to think of it, have you a superabundance of spleen? How can you be so cruel to a stranger? Why won't you go? All right, why are you here the medium asked as if a clue hadn't already hit said medium upside the head... sigh. You want a reading. What a novel desire to bring to a medium. You couldn't have simply come for a glimpse of an old medium sleepi- ah, meditating. Well, if it gets you to leave, I suppose I can toss you the bone you seek. Here you are:
You are a leader, of friends and in business, mostly because nobody else is fool enough to be the first to go where you want to go. Your ideals are high, when you can find them; you ought to let them lead you. You laugh a lot and like to party, so attract that sort of person, instead of those with substance. Get out of the house. It will be good for you.
and I can't find a worthy enough musician whose death occurred on this date, so I'm just going to pop in a little number here that will make me happy as I picture you heading down the road away from here. So: here's a little Bill Monroe, wayfaring stranger.
Now go home to see your whatever. Happy birthday, anyway.
Why won't you leave? What is it that makes you (a) come here and (b) not leave when I ask you to do so? Is there some bizarre map to the stars thing bringing your bus to my cave, or what? By your response, I'm betting it's "what." So, then, what is it? Oh, you came here for something... something in particular... something only I can offer to you, today... and -- wait, let me guess this one myself, now -- you want a reading, right? Oh, I am SO good. And, If I give you this reading, you will go? Spiffity-boo! Here it comes. Here you are:
You are quick-tempered, impulsive, and sometimes not entirely unreasonable. You're cocky and ambitious, narrow and obsessive. You're not too bad when it comes to the needs of those around you, but your undivided attention borders on stalking. What am I saying, "borders on"? Jeez, get a life!
Won't you leave? Please? What keeps you here, where you are not really welcomed? Is it strictly a matter of gravity, or is there some failure to understand directions, as well? Why won't you go? Oh, you're here to get something from me, are you? And, as if I couldn't guess... what is it you want from me? A reading. Right. And, if I give you this, will you up and go? Oh, joy, oh, rapture! Here you are, then:
You can't help yourself, you have to have everything you see. Aside from your need to acquire, you also fancy yourself a philosopher. At least you're not negative. You enjoy reading, and strive to expand your base of knowledge, in hopes of improving the quality of your circle of friends. In other words, you're something of a snob about the people around you. You should know that reading a lot doesn't really make you smarter -- it just gives you a bigger vocabulary, and makes you more annoying to those of us who really are smarter.
Why won't you leave? Are you simply and by nature a cruel animal? Why would you stay when you know you are invading a person's solitude? Isn't there somewhere else you can be? Like, jumping in a lake, maybe? Or, even just hopping a bus to Farawayland? No? So what is it that brings you and keeps you here? Oh, but naturally, you want something from me. And I'll bet I can guess what that is, too. You want my pack of camels. I'm afraid they're long gone, having gallumphed down the hill, toward some oasis or other. Not camels? Well, then, I guess you must be after a reading. Aha! You probably thought I'd not be able to figure it out on my own... and then you'd really look a fool for consulting me about your life. Heh. So, once I give you this reading, you will leave, will you not? See me smile, now. Here you are:
You have a serious lack of self-confidence, and justifiably so. Although you are probably capable of great success, you stick to the sidelines, trying to blend into the wallpaper. Fair-minded, generous, kind and considerate are terms you have often heard about yourself -- if only they knew you better! You're entirely incapable of expressing or demonstrating affection.
When are you going to be gone? Do I have long to wait? I mean, it's not as though I have all the time in the world, do I? Or, do I? Well, anyway, time or no, I don't really have the desire to keep putting up with visitors, after all. So, when will you get gone? After I give you what you came for. Hmmph. What you came for was...? This ought to be tough for me to figure out. Hmmmm. Let's see... what does a poor medium like me have to offer? I'm guessing you want my delightful facial hair. No? Then what? Oh, right, you want a reading. And, once you get it, you will be gone? Then get out of my way, here it comes! Here you are:
You are a sympathetic snail, of sorts. Your pace would put tortoises to sleep, but you generally mean well, and, due to your deliberate pace, the few things you finish are generally accurate. You will make a bearable mate and parent; friends and associates find you less intolerable than many.
Will you please go? Now. Right now. You know, not later. Go. Turn around and head downhill, away from my private little mountaintop. Scoot scoot. Shoo. Why are you still here, then? Oh, right. You actually want something from me. And what could your not-really-in-the-neighborhood medium have that you want I ask having a very good idea anyway. Right. You've come for a reading. And, if I give this to you, you will leave? Lookit me do the happy dance! Here you are:
Although aggressive and arbitrary, you are determined and do not give up on your petty projects, even in the face of failure. You usually accomplish your nefarious schemes, one way or another.
Some brag they're born/
Of princes and queens/
And therefore, of gods and goddesses./
I trace my genes/
Through teachers and deans/
And assorted odds and oddesses.
